Monday, August 22, 2011

Open the window. It's awkward in here.

Hi, I'm Scott. Awesome opening line, I know. Just wait until this next sentence! I loved your profile, and wanted to drop you a line. Now that the awkward introduction is out of the way...

...we can go our separate ways and pretend this never happened.

He's already got my future all planned out

Interesting profile

given your designing sills and carpentry you are not fare from starting your own company

I was thinking just fruday. . as someone in Battery Park City put out a brand new wheel chair in the trash and obstructing my bike. . . that these things are not just expensive but hEAVY.

Why can they be made of bamboo like many bikes are now being made of bamboo.

You would be a rich and happy woman. You can teach people in poor countries how to make these and empower them.

Golden advice. And he gave all this away for free in the first message without even asking for a date. Unless that's his tactic- he'll come find me years later when I own my successful international bamboo wheelchair business and demand to take me out on Fruday. As a rich and happy woman, I will owe him one...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

i'm in a sad mood tonight

oh sam cooke? I remember when i was little my grandfather used to play the vinyls, "A Change Is Gonna Come" was my favorite. He would always sit in his chair and read the paper with a glass of whiskey and his soul vinyls. Then he'd tell me stories about growing up, going to war about the friends he'd kept nad the ones he lost, the secrets to keeping my a woman happy, and what it means to be a man. I also remember my fist sip of whiskey with him turned out to be his last...umm yea sam cooke, great stuff.

His grandfather's secret to keeping a woman happy? Talk about really sad stuff. Right off the bat.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

more seltzer machines


I find it funny how the whole small world thing kicks in sometimes, I just purchased a soda machine that basically carbonates water.


Though I appreciate the thoroughly scientific description of a seltzer machine, I don't think that you purchasing one and then clicking through countless profiles until you come across a girl who likes seltzer hardly constitutes as a situation in which you would use the phrase "small world."

Perhaps if you bought a seltzer machine from a thrift store that was covered in glitter and you were dismayed to find it was missing one button that was vital to its function and my profile woefully lamented the lack of seltzer in my life since my seltzer machine was stolen from me by a mob of crazy glitter creatures who left me clutching one button when they tore it violently from my panicked grip, THEN we would have a small world situation on our hands. But just owning a seltzer machine? Unfortunately for me, not so much.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


Hey, I just looked at your pictures, and I think you are hot, I would like to make out sometime, please. I hope you don't have a warning about these types of messages in your profile. Anyways, you are hot, you're smile made my day. Thanks.Yours truly,

Missed Instant Message
Pardon my IM'ing you out of the blue, but may I say that you are dead sexy. ;)

Sleazy content aside, I do have to admit that these are actually two of the most polite messages I've ever received on this website. How tragic is that?

Monday, July 25, 2011


Missed Instant Message(s)
Jul 25
Up for grabbing some drinks this weekend?
I'll take that as a maybe.

The Big Cheese

May 25th
can't believe you keep that smile behind the scenes!
though as for waiting tables, it must get you great tips!

May 29th
hello dere, beautiful

Jul 3
i'm intrigued by the hyphen in your username
what's going on?

Jul 4
happy america day!

Jul 14
take 2?

Jul 21
so is there a way i can engage you in a stress free-conversation?
just to say hello?
because you might find that i'm not all that bad... ;)

Jul 25
i'm not gonna give up, gorgeous :)

Get real. If I wanted to date cheese, I would just open up my fridge. Well, it'd be soy cheese. It might not melt the right way or taste exactly right, but I'd probably have more fun on a date with it than I would with you.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

C'mon boys. I'm not asking a lot...

Missed Instant Message(s)
heyy i'm john
u ever go to an exotic club on th east side...
i used to dance in college

Hm. Let me think. No, I don't think I went to any exotic clubs. I spent my time in college watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and The Newsies and having Harry Potter parties with my roommates. But, it's totally cool. Not my thing, but live and let live, right? I'm ignoring your instant messages, but in my heart I'm wishing you well, John. Peace.

Missed Instant Message(s)
the reason im asking is cuz
u remind me of this girl
who used to come thru alot


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Yarrrr, may I tie you to the railroad tracks, guv'nor?

arrrrrhello how you today hope fine?i read your profile and i can see you possess all the qualities i needed in reletionship, ahahathat why i write you this message,i will realy like to know you more better you can write me your yahoomessager address inothere to know more about our self on live charting i will be waiting to ear from you soon tanks.

What a mysteriously romantic message! It's not even signed! For all I know, you could be a pirate, Snidely Whiplash, a Yahoo Messager representative, or a chimney sweep. Whoever you are, I think I'm in love with you. And yet, replying would ruin all the mystery and charm that I find so attractive. So thanks for this note, I'll keep it with me always and I'll never forget you. And the phrase "live charting" will probably crack me up forevermore. And so, Adieu.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I mean, come on

Missed Instant Message(s) 5:35pm
Hey There

Do people respond on this chat thing or am I better off sending you a message?


I hate having to prove that I'm worth talking to...but I do actually think we'd get along quite well...

NPR, love it, This American Life and Radiolab are regularly on my ipod in podcast form

i have a bonsai tree

clearly you dig the BBC nature docs, if you haven't already you should check out their latest, human planet, its amazing, especially the jungles episode

i love about 60% of music choices, im especially impressed by the kinks

i don't play the steel drums, but im working on acquiring the mysterious, hard to obtain "hang drum"

youtube that, it's amazing, sounds a lot like a steel drum actually

you love tomatoes, i love tomatoes, theyre growing on my roof

i mean, come on


If my barrage of chat messages didn't get the job done, I don't know what will. If you would be so kind, I'm curious to know why I got ignored. This is a strange place and I clearly need help understanding the ins and outs. ok, peace.


This guy likes me way too aggressively considering it's based on tomatoes, bonsai trees, and 60% of my taste in music.

Chad, i WILL be so kind to explain why I ignored you:

Listen, you have to be careful with these dating websites. Just because we have a bunch of similar random interests doesn't mean we were meant for each other. We both love tomatoes, but you have no idea how I actually pronounce the word "tomato." There's a chance that a date with me could lead to an extremely violent interpretation of a George Gershwin song. And no one wants that.

So. You love tomatoes, I love tomatoes. Let's call the whole thing off.

...oh and also, you seem like kind of a dick.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I made him so :-(

June 4, 2011

I found your profile very impressive, and I am not easily impressed. It is clear from the way you write that you are obviously very intelligent without ever seeming like you are trying to show off. I think that you and I have a lot in common.

Indeed, my biggest concern about you is that you seem almost too good to be true. I mean, how do I know that you aren't some fifty-year-old man writing to me from his basement? Accordingly, I'd like to learn a little bit more about you to make sure you really are who you say you are before I make up my mind about you.

How much seltzer is "an absurd amount"? Do you have any brothers or sisters, and are you close with your family? And what is your name? (Hint: it should not be a man's name without a very good explanation).

I'm really looking forward to hearing back from you.


June 19th, 2011

Ah, I knew it! You didn't get back to me because you really ARE a 50 year old man writing to me from his basement! Just my luck.

It's not like there could be some other reason you haven't written back that I can think of. But that's no reason to be rude, right? Even if you're too afraid to answer my last email, you can still write back and tell me about your basement lair. What's it like?

- Arthur

July 17th, 2011


I was going to let this guy slide and spare him from Stupider Cupid. But then I received the best follow up to a follow up message that bitches about me not following up. Congrats, Arthur! You've earned yourself a place on my website for stupid messages.

Friday, July 15, 2011

A Swell Schedule


I appreciate brevity in all its forms, and also frankness, but I'll attempt to have a modicum of tact because crudeness is just awful.

I think you're terribly cute, and seem terribly swell, and I'd really like to skip past the part where we trade cutesy little internet messages and get to know each other on a fairly superficial level. What I'd love would be to take you out on a date sometime, where we can discuss all the things that we're passionate about, and both become terribly turned on by the fact that the other is so very passionate about such awesome things, and perhaps (but not necessarily) end the date with some awesome makeouts and the promise to spend more time together in the future.

If this appeals to you, message me back, and let's compare schedules!


Gregory! Athough I appreciate you being brief (actually, you weren't) and tactful (mmm...not so much) this is just creepy. Almost as creepy as the molestache you're sporting in your profile picture.

I am interested in comparing schedules, though. I bet yours goes something like this:

9am- Wake up from a terribly swell dream
10am- Make some awesome breakfast
11am- Take my terribly awesome dog for a swell walk
12pm- Have a horribly delicious lunch
1-6pm- Shave, trim, comb, powder and dress mustache
7pm- Horribly, terribly swell, swell horrible terribleness.
8pm- Send out awesomely creepy message to swell girl
9pm- Become terribly turned on at the prospect of a date with girl
10pm- Play awesome video games terribly
11pm- Go to sleep alone

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The book he's talking about is The Stepford Wives...

If you've a bit of Lolita in your soul, may I entice you into indulging yourself in a flirtation with a charming, urbane, well-read, well-traveled, highly inappropriate rogue from the town in FF County that inspired Ira Levin to write the book that he's best known for. The one that was filmed not just once, but twice, here in the land of Pink And Green at, inter alia, the "Good Wives' Shopping Center." It exists. I didn't believe it until I went to see.
I'm an unreconstructed rebel/hippie/love-child from the 60's & 70's; more or less successfully disguised as a more or less responsible adult. The occasionally curmudgeonly but always funny fixture in the corner office that has been there for a 100 years, smokes cigars, reports apparently to no-one, and drives old old sports cars to and from work.


I thought I had finally received a message that left me utterly speechless, but then the brigade of disgusted expletives that left my mouth upon clicking on the attached pics to see a fat old man riding a horse reassured me that I hadn't quite reached that point yet.
Go ahead and reread this message. This time around, imagine it being spoken in the voice of "Yes Guy" from The Simpsons.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The feeling was mutual. But only somewhat.

Hey there, I'm Lucky -- yep, real name -- nice to meet you!

A friendly, dorky, but well-meant lad who enjoyed reading about you and hopes the feeling, is somewhat mutual. Love to hear more about you -- like why a seemingly awesome gal like yourself is single -- and hopefully the feeling is somewhat mutual.

Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you!


What. The fuck. Is your name?

I'm going to go with Edward. Because there is no way he is getting Lucky. BOO-YEAH!

Friday, July 1, 2011

A distinct lack of character(s)

hey u seem pretty nice im mike whats yours :)

Sorry, mike whats yours, I don't date boys who use punctuation strictly for emoticons and nothing more.

Seriously. The blanket has to be cashmere and shirtless men dressed in ancient Roman attire have to be feeding me grapes.

Good morning ,is it true you care for a small picnics?
I'm Will

For the record, my profile says nothing about picnics. He was just being presumptuous. Turns out I do care for picnics, especially ones that are vaguely singular, but only if they are lavish. So close, Will, and yet so far.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Love Always, Professor Trelawney


I enjoyed reading your profile. It reflects a very genuine, real, and refreshingly rare person.

Lets meet for mimosas and great conversation at sunset by the river.

We have a lot in common and both seek the same.


Also, neither can live while the other survives...the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies. And he will drink girly drinks.

seltzer machines...i mean, what is the deal with that?

Hello there, empathetic aspiring set designer. I can't play the steel drums, but I own a seltzer machine. Does that balance out? I also curse a shitload, but usually not online because it can come across as a little fuckin' artificial, you know? But only sometimes.


I own skinny jeans, but I won't wear them for you. I mostly just wear athletic shorts now. I do, however, own a seltzer machine, does that balance out? I'd like to play steel drums. I love how they sound on Jane Says by Jane's Addiction.


Oh, I have owned skinny jeans but also a seltzer machine. Do those cancel out?


hi there babe. How are you doing? You are super hot! I know we're only a 45% match and it's probably because I wear skinny jeans. I do have a seltzer machine though, does that cancel it out?


Hey! As for your requirements- I don't play the steel drums, but I do own a seltzer machine! I just want to say after reading a bunch of profiles on ok Cupid, I was going insane. All the profiles said the same thing. " I love my friends and family and I like to have fun blah blah blah" I noticed something from your profile that I can't say I see in others. You have substance. I love the fact that you are passionate about what you do. I've read so many blah profiles, I thought I was on a dating site for robocops. Nobody wants to date a robocop... 2 part question
1. What was your first job ever?
2. If money was no object, but you still had to work, what would be your dream job?


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'll take mystifyingly short messages for $500, please.

radio lab

What is a great talk show on NPR but an effing weird way to kick off an internet relationship, Alex?

But Mooooom! All my friends have a distinct lack of mobility due to a stupid fashion trend.

But skinny jeans promote the beautiful curvature of my ass.

Sarcasm is hard to pull off online. I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're a whiny hipster bastard.

No one wants to solve this puzzle.

You look like your as happy as kid in candy store

I'd like to buy a vowel, please. Actually, two vowels and an apostrophe.

Dolla dolla bills

Money is only worth the paper it's printed on. Food and shelter are much more important things to worry about. You have a nice outlook on life. It's inspiring and encouraging. Best of luck.

Yeah, it's so silly that people worry about money when they should be worrying about all that free food and shelter.

The gobstopper who just wouldn't quit

June 29th
good morning.

June 21st
good evening.

June 14th
good afternoon. I hate skinny jeans.

There's only one way to reply to this guy....take it away, Gene Wilder.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Single Mingle

i won't wear skinny jeans if you won't ride a fixie

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:00pm
I guess it wasn't meant to be, Sugar.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:00pm
lets go for a ride and see how long your lack of gears can keep up

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:07pm
That just sounds cruel.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:07pm
only up hill

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:10pm
I bet even if I did have gears I still couldn't keep up with mister rock climber karate extroirdinaire.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:12pm
i should really take down the karate part, i've not practiced in a couple months
i'm also a rather slow biker i'm wanting to do longer rides

Jun 29, 2011 – 10:02am
so lets get together and do something seated

Jul 1, 2011 – 10:02pm
like cocktails for instance

According to his profile, his single requirement for a potential lady friend is that she doesn't ride a single speed bike. Fortunately for me, I do. A big thank you to my bike, Sir Ipswich of Canterbury, for helping me narrowly avoid this winner. By the way, I think the time stamps on this conversation are the best part.

The Overcompensator

I doubt very much that your only superficial requirement is that a guy not wear skinny jeans, but I intentionally buy jeans several sizes too big just to avoid anybody possibly making that mistake about me.

Just throwing that out there.

He probably also buys condoms that are several sizes too big, just to avoid anybody possibly making the mistake that his penis is tiny. Do you see how your logic is flawed?

Just throwing that out there.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Gee, thanks.

Hi :)

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:33pm

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:34pm
how are you?

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:36pm
No complaints! How are you?

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:38pm
Yeah no point in complaining bc no one really cares! haha Im good just where do you plan on going in sept? Please talk me into coming!

Missed Instant Message
Hi I totally wasn't trying to be mean
I just reread it and i totally didn't mean it like that.


Missed Instant Message(s)
Jun 27, 2011 – 9:19pm
Hi. I sent you a message recently. Want to talk?

Yes, I want nothing more than to talk to you. That's precisely why I didn't respond to your original message.


Hi, how r u? I would love to get to know u...I would also love to hear about ur soon to be new job! I do construction myself..well I can fix almost anything..

Great! I have a faucet that leaks and a bad first impression on a dating website.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Missed Instant Message
hello. how are you?
the cuties never respond. too many choices.

Missed Instant Message
hi there, cutey.

Missed Instant Message
ow are you, cutie pie?

I have a bad habit of turning my computer on and then walking away to do something else. I was in the shower getting fresh and clean when I missed these gems. Three different variations on the word "cutie" from THREE DIFFERENT GUYS. I had struck comedic gold, but I did have to take another shower because I felt pretty dirty.

Saturday, June 25, 2011



Yea, so I realize my profile has virtually nothing in it .... yet. This is newly created.

Not quite sure how this is supposed to work yet. I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe. Anyway, thought I'd say hey so at least it didn't seem weird.

Oh, and cute pic :)

I don't know what "it" is, but you're too late. You already made it weird.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


I see you reply selectively, but I will ramble at you anyway.
...because - holy cow - you're interesting!

Waiting tables is a terrible drain on the soul. Decent money, yes, but a good waste of energy. I worked as a waiter and restaurant manager for 5 years before I knew I'd be miserable making a career out of it.

So now I'm back in school to be a teacher!!
Because it's better to serve humanity than it is to serve Mahi Mahi.

I was just wondering if I smile too much today...
Most people tend not to smile as much as I do.
I fear they are missing all the great things I see.

Maybe you understand.

1984, Dante, Scott Pilgrim, RHPC, Regina Spector, Greenday, and Sublime all rock.

One day, if you're interested, I'll let you try to convince me about Harry Potter and Bruce Springsteen.

I'm home in Westchester for the summer.
Say hi sometime.
I'll bet we'd have, at the very least, a fairly interesting internet conversation.

You were wrong about a fairly interesting internet conversation being the very least we'll have. I once refused to go on a date with a persistent boy until he had read all of the Harry Potter books. Maybe I should add that to my profile.


Actually When i saw ur profile I could not believe in my eyes , bc U look like sunshine.U look like the girl of my dreams : )

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


the internet told me that you'd be an exceptional match. with the exception of this seltzer business i would have no choice to agree. can i interest you in a drink?


Basically, what you're trying to say is that our rating is exceptional with one exception: drink. Can you take me out for a drink?


What if I wear skinny jeans WHILE playing a steel drum????

I bet he was really proud of this message when he came up with it after all those hours trying to choose the perfect words. And the perfect place to enunciate. And the perfect amount of question marks.

Friday, June 17, 2011


So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that – without a doubt – your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20?

Jun 17, 2011 – 9:14pm
wtf? do people really do that? i'm a simple girl, that's all- not a lot to talk about. if it helps you with your bet at all you can tell your friend that i've been meaning to add something about how i have a subscription to national geographic but i haven't gotten around to it yet.

Jun 17, 2011 – 9:19pm
hmm that helps because only women subscribe to national geographic! want to split the $20?

Your snarky comment implied that my information was of no use whatsoever to you in regards to your stupid bet with your stupid friend. And yet somehow it proved your point, you won the $20. And now you want to take me out on a cheap date. I think the real proof that I'm not a guy is that you haven't received a reply. And you never will.


Bored... What kind if guys are you into?

You're in luck! I'm totally into BORING guys!!

Monday, June 13, 2011


How did the weather treat you today?

Sunny with a 95% chance of stupid questions.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Hey there,
I really think these things are interesting, since it's not usual for two people to introduce themselves via email. There was something about your profile that caught my eye. Maybe it was a fun vibe I got from you. I have a feeling that there's more to you than your looks but let's see if you're as nice, interesting and attractive as you look on here.

I don't talk about myself too much, but I'm fit, got my life together, and I'm really funny.. if you don't like to laugh we're in trouble..

What is the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is your favorite thing to cook?
Well I hope you can dance and aren't too picky with food(some girls only eat green leaves),then we should be able to get along well ;-) Let's talk sometime..

The most spontaneous thing I've ever done is not dance. My favorite thing to cook is salad. We're not meant for each other. Case closed.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


What's your name and numba?


Hey!! I think ur super cute! but I'm a little shy!!! :-( I'd like to get to know you more better. If you're interested, lets chat sometime, OK?! :-D


Too late. You've already established yourself as a 13 year old Japanese girl in my mind.


tag, you're it...

Friday, June 10, 2011



I'm sure you get a million emails a day but you seem great so I thought I'd say hello.

My name's Wesley and I'm a Brit. For the last 4 years or so I've been working on the whole "saving the world" thing (first as an advisor to Blair and then with a political firm) and moved to NYC a few months ago to shake things up and learn a bit more about life.

I love the theatre - my whole family is involved. And I infact run this company -

I live for traveling. I've just got back from my two best friends wedding in Hawaii which was totally amazing. And I'm heading back to London on Wednesday which will be amazing!

What's your next big adventure?

I like to tell myself that I'm pretty awesome. I don't know anyone else in the world who'd attempt to ride a push bike from London to Lisbon. Or sneezes so loudly that they can shake a building.

You seem great - I don't own any skinny jeans - so I think you should say hi!


Wesley, you were actually kind of cute until you admitted that you like to tell yourself that you're pretty awesome and then proceeded to list reasons that don't make any sense. I'm glad Hawaii was amazing and I'm glad London will be amazing, but your messaging skills are not so amazing. And I'm glad you think you're pretty awesome, because my opinion of you is pretty different.

Thursday, June 9, 2011



Came across your profile and thought you were super cute so wanted to drop by and say hi :) I've been on this site for a few months and been on a couple of dates which turned out to be with women obsessed with religion (one turned out to be a cult member from Utah and the other had a crush on the Pope). Quite interesting but not my cup of tea.
Anyhow, its been sweltering hot and I dont want to do anything but lie naked infront of my A/C, but if you'd fancy a drink, I know some decent watering holes in and around the East Village...

- Paul

Glad to hear that my profile was motivation enough for you to consider putting on clothes and going out. Seriously, we live in the greatest freaking city in the world.


Heya, wanted to send you a quick message. I think you have an effing adorable smile, and I had to let you know... even though I'm at work... and am 'risking' my boss coming over, and spotting me sending a personal message on a dating website.

That would be awkward, but seriously, he's not going to see this.

I'll send you a proper message later on at night, I just couldn't wait until then.

Thank you for brightening my day, and enjoy the rest of yours!


This actually may have been kind of impressive if you didn't put quotation marks around 'risking.' Putting your job on the line to tell a girl she has an effing adorable smile is soooooo romantic. Why'd you have to go and remove the thrill? Do you do the same thing during sex?

Mmm baby, you are blowing my mind. Don't worry, though. There's actually no risk that my head will really explode. It's just an expression, you see. Oooh, and the way you touch me is so hot, I mean whatever, it's cool. Girl, you're driving me crazy. Well, no need for concern. My mental health is totally stable.


So the machines say we are 86% match (now I'm not a betting man, but that seem like a pretty good chances... except for the horse races, naturally) and since machines will be our masters soon perhaps it is wise to start obeying them early... :)

Seriously, I would like to learn more about you... what say you?

Hope to hear from you

And they're off! In the lead it's Awkward Sarcasm followed closely by Stupid Joke. Coming up from behind is Get Serious and Slight Desperation. But what's this? At the very last second, Not-A-Chance pulls ahead for the win! Quite a surprise with Not-A-Chance, the odds were only 86%.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Hey how are you? Saw your profile and wanted to say Hi! You have a great smile. I have spent YEARS at the waiting game, but am glad to be out. I must confess, I am somewhat new to the whole online dating thing, so I find myself at a loss for words. Well, write back and we'll chat.


Aw, Lucas if you're already at a loss for words, there is no way I'm writing back. I can deal with an awkward pause or two on a real date, but in a message on a dating website? Not going to happen.


Hey, I liked your profile and thought you looked very beautiful, so I figured it would not hurt to introduce myself. My name is Garth, and I recently graduated and began working at IBM to pay the bills. It's funny, but I actually majored in education to teach history, but the job that IBM offered was too good to pass up. Anyway, I ended up moving upstate, but I come into the city every weekend. You seem super cool, let's chat and see if maybe we can sort something out. If you have any questions, please ask. Hope you have a nice day, latah!

Sunday, June 5, 2011


define 'skinny'...

Skinny [skin-ee] (adj): Judging by your profile picture, not you.


Skinny jeans & hats with the stickers still on them are 'fashion' things I will never understand.
And they also seem to be taking way too long to go away!

Friday, June 3, 2011



It's messages like these that make me really wish there was a universally understood gagging emoticon.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


My skinny jeans are soo tight you can play steel drum on them! I hoping the two cancel eachother out and my funnyness puts me over the top. Have you ever seen the show "Movie Magic"? It was my favoirte show when I was a kid. I dreamed of one day being a set desiner. I immagined they were mystical cretures who would hop around making things explode. Was I right?


If you have to explain that what you said was funny, you're not funny. If you use the word "funnyness," I don't like you. Also, the "g" may be silent, but you still gotta put it in there, Christopher.


I am funny. I hate skinny jeans (I kinda still wish it was the 90's in terms of jeans) and I have absolutely no clue how to play steal drums. I own a seltzer making machine and thought your profile was honest and cute.

I hate skinny jeans, too, but I do prefer them to the two immediate images I visualize when I think about 90's jeans:

Also, I could have assumed you don't know how to play the steel drums from the fact that you don't know how to spell "the steel drums."


Hi there you look like a fun person, i don't like or ware skinny jeans at all.
However i wish i owned steel drums.


This has inspired me to write a horror novel specifically for upper class Republicans who are deathly afraid that their children are gay. It's about regular jeans that turn into skinny jeans when there's a full moon. Also, what I can only assume was a failed attempt at a friendly farewell statement makes this message seem like it's an unenthusiastically rendered finger painting by a 5 year old kid that someone only put up on the fridge in the hopes that the child will discover his true calling as an artist, because he's definitely not going to go into linguistics.


Would you like to share how you're going to change the world over a beverage?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


hi may i just say i think you are very cute? hi my name is leroy i would like to get to know more about you given the chance


(5:11:19 pm)
hey, do you have a favorite shakespearean play

(5:14:11 pm)
or commedies by Beckett?


Hi, I am Ken. 28 years old. Japanese male. Musician in NY.

Musician? I would have guessed Robot or Ninja first.

Monday, May 30, 2011



Sadly I probably only qualify for the funny criteria to message you, as I cannot play the steel drums. But... I can probably make some bang-on noise with one for maybe two notes.

Judging on how selective it displays your replies are, I'll send this in assumption it shall be discarded. The "Quickmatch" threw your profile my way, the pictures were quite cute but more importantly I was surprised that I would also enjoy your profile. Even the eerie similarities in the questions would fuel the creation of this message. Since this will probably be left to rot in the compost heap that is the internet, I'll keep this simple... You seem like a cool person to at least say "Hello" to. I'll understand if I don't see a hello in return, but here's hoping.


Aw Samuel, you should have had higher expectations! Your message isn't rotting in a compost heap, it's displayed proudly on a blog about stupid messages! Also, I really like how you begin with the essence that "Sadly, I am funny."


Heeeeelloo there! Care to chat a little? :)
You seem like a great girl and I want to get to know you better! If you are as curious about me as I am about you just drop me a line or two. I want to get this thing going :)

Carl :)

OK, this is for anyone who grew up in New Jersey in the 90's. Johnny, let's go on that date. Let's start out at the playground, go back to your house, play a little Nintendo and eat some cereal. Because your message really reminds me of this song:

Sunday, May 29, 2011


What kind of seltzer do you drink? I'm partial to lemon-lime myself. Designed any interesting scenery lately?

Nope, no interesting scenery. In fact, it's all about as boring as your message. Next!


Missed Instant Message(s)
May 29, 2011 – 10:00pm
hello dere

Saturday, May 28, 2011


And so, here I am throwing my ridiculous, disclaimer laden, smilingly lascivious profile your way so that it just might resonate with you on a level or three, and well, really that it makes you think that a gam eof say, strip poker or strip chess, as soon as possible would be totally great and great.....or, uhm, something like that. :)


Thursday, May 26, 2011


how are you ?
By this way let me tell you something . I never seen a smile that can light like your it's simply the radiant .

There's something really interesting about the structure of the stanza and how it relates to the melancholy tone. I appreciate the beat he takes between the end of his sentences and the punctuation that signifies the end of the sentence- it just adds so much depth to the words. The way he speaks of light almost makes it tangible. And what is "the radiant" that he refers to in the terminal line? I think it's a question we should all be asking ourselves at least once in this lifetime.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I wish I had the skills to wait tables...never could care enough about what people want to eat to remember what they ordered anyway! No skinny jeans here...I don't understand why dudes would wear them I would get to hot! Not that I am not already too hot anyway...haha. So what is this dream job building sets that you seem so interested in?

Hi, I'm going to talk about myself and then feign interest in you for a second. Clicking on your profile pictures won't help, because you will always look like this in my mind:


Missed Instant Message(s)
May 25, 2011 – 10:35am
can't believe you keep that smile behind the scenes!
though as for waiting tables, it must get you great tips


Hi there :) I'm Frank. Nice to meet you (virtually speaking).
You seem really cool based on your profile.
Perhaps we can instant message sometime and get better acquainted online?

Four references to the fact that we're on the internet. As if I didn't feel weird enough about this.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I’m Terrance. There doesn’t seem to be an un-awkward way to introduce myself over the internet. Is there a story behind the sidewalk chalk or is it just the usual stash? I also feel like I should mention: I don't own a pair of skinny jeans.

I know he used it as an adjective, but un-awkward just became my new favorite verb. Let me use it in a sentence:

My fly was open, so I un-awkwarded the situation and just took off my pants.


Why don't you un-awkward this by leaving me a big tip after placing your order to my boobs.


Terrence, if I respond to you, will you reply with some confidence and un-awkward our conversation?


well hello there fellow theatre maker....
seen anything good lately? The next one on my list is War Horse.

I like your taste: from Squeeze to the Bluth Family.....
Your smile is certainly a winner too! :)

So, how is your week so far? Got anything fun/exciting/debaucherous planned? :)

This message is actually kind of innocent. For personal reasons, I detest any form of the word "debauchery." I feel like only jerks use it. The reason I did not reply to this guy, however, was that he identified himself as a fellow theatre maker, precisely the guys I'm trying to avoid here.

Monday, May 23, 2011


Hey, I see we're into similar TV shows. Between that and the iphone we don't have much in common. Not sure if that's such a bad thing tho. I'm new to the area. Living in Newark now but I find it depressing here at night. Might need to start doing some touristy things... any suggestions?

Poll: Obviously, this guy has a problem with sentence structure/comprehension. Do we assume he does or does not own an iPhone? I think he does, because he groups it with the television shows that we have in common, however, the sentence surely suggests that the iPhone is something we do not have in common. Thoughts?

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Love the screen name, although I wouldn't have pegged you as the golfing type. What's your handicap? I kid. Just want you to know that if you were my waitress I would give you a huge tip. I know you're not materialistic but have you thought about a seltzer machine? It will improve your quality of life by 1000%. Anyway I seem to be rambling a bit here, my jeans are so tight that I can't think straight, kidding again, I would never. Would love to get together over a drink, or a seltzer, or both mixed together.


Arnold suffers from what I call Cupid Aphasia. He writes messages that try to touch on every single aspect of a girl's online dating profile all at once. In doing so, he never says anything nice, meaningful, or with the potential to start an actual conversation. Cupid Aphasia is a serious condition and it's nothing to kid about.

I kid.


Hey there! Your profile shows that we have some similar interests but really though, profiles are so limiting in defining us, right? In all honesty, your smile is what's attracting me to you the most. Yes, you are beautiful but your smile gives off more than just a sense of beauty; it seems jovial, light hearted, and very honest. I suppose it's shallow of me to say it, but online dating sites be damned if we're not looking at the pictures and being a bit shallow =)! I'm definitely on the geeky side of things and I like museums and parks over bars and clubs. If anything I said struck a chord, feel free to drop a message!

a chord? No. A nerve...?

There's something about this that makes me imagine it being spoken by Rod Roddy, the old announcer from The Price Is Right. Complete with the background music and the old school once-piece bathing suit models.


So, you like theatre?

May 22, 2011 – 6:08am
I have a love-hate relationship with theatre.

May 22, 2011 – 11:19am
I love the shows, but hate the prices. Can you sing?

Saturday, May 21, 2011



My name is Nick. I am 24 years old. I have a B.S. in Marketing and have a masters degree in Internet Business Systems. I have my own business, i work, and volunteer. I have lots of aspirations and plan to get my MBA.

Let's talk soon!


I don't know if he wants a date or a job...

Thursday, May 19, 2011


im really digging your profile. youre really cute. i went to school for writing and directing for theater and film. you only do scenery design? do you work with set design at all? wherere you from?

I was frankly surprised he went to school. For writing, no less. He must have studied under the acclaimed film writer Jacques Sans Punctuation. Also, it's called scenic design, which is the same as set design. So yes, I do all of the above.



Reason you didn't receive a response: Please see previous post.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


WOW, are you just damn cute!! :-O

And no, I shall never, EVER wear skinny jeans! Or thick-framed glasses! Or . . . I could go on.

My name is Robert.

1. To me, that emoticon is the textual equivalent of that late-twenties beer-gut douchebag call to his friends in backwards hats across the bar whenever someone says something that could mildly be taken for a sexual reference. Or plainly, "AY-Oh!"

2. My aversion to skinny jeans does not lead to a dislike of thick-framed glasses. My profile explicitly states my attraction to nerds and my obsession with Buddy Holly.

3. I like how you list two totally unrelated things and then feign the potential to keep listing things I may or may not find repulsive/attractive.

4. Who puts spaces in between their ellipses?


Well at least you dont have the heart of a sailor and curse like gold? That makes no sense. i would never ever wear jeans let alone skinny ones. are you going to the free scott pilgrim screening?

You can probably guess what my profile says by this guy's lame attempt to make a joke out of it. For the record, I was much more responsive to this one:

I always kind of hoped cursing like a sailor meant shouting stuff like "By Poseidon's Beard!"

Also, the second guy was Irish. Yum.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Your beard is good. That's just a compliment for you. About your beard... being good.

This may sound like a bizzarre message, but I *think* it refers to the final picture in my profile, which used to be this:

This is my all time favorite picture, forever. I thought that if a guy really wanted to take me out, he should know that I find this picture hysterical. My hope was that the dreamboat who would court me on the website, buy me dinner, marry me and grow old with me, would also have, at the very least, an appreciation for all of the glory and hilarity that resides within this image. Unfortunately, someone actually reported this photo and it was removed because it wasn't actually a picture of me.

Question One: It's obviously good natured and it's not lewd. Who would report it?!
Question Two: How do they REALLY know it's not me in there? I mean, it's not...but how do they REALLY know??


"inherently joyful" might be the single most attractive self-description i've ever encountered on this site, or anywhere.

i am very impressed. (and that is a killer smile, indeed.)

can we be friends? or something? ;)

happy tuesday!

MMM yes, Jordan. We can be "something." And by "something" i mean "not friends."

Friday, May 13, 2011


There really isn't such a thing as too much sidewalk chalk, no matter the age. FYI.

Favourite Kurt Vonnegut book?

There's just something about this message that makes me think this guy was rolling his eyes as he was typing it. Was he sending me a message against his will?


I'll say it anyway!

I usually don't say things like what I am about to say because I think it's cheesy and wreaks of desperation and loneliness. But it's what popped in my head and I like to speak my mind.

You are absolutely fucking adorable. Like it would be hard not to hug you. Almost like a sense of naivety is being projected but I know that's not the case.

Hope you don't take that as some creep who preys upon innocent women. Just something to express that is rarely experienced.

Two days later...

I totally freaked you out. Correct?


Thursday, May 12, 2011


I know this sorta thing never flies on this site but you are hands down the prettiest girl ive seen on this site, and since i know that kinda message never gets a response on this site so i feel inclined to also mention that skinny jeans are a ridiculous fashion trend that makes me oh so angry to have to see out in the world=p. Enjoy your day!

Search: "on this site"
Replace: "in my pants"

...much more amusing, right?

Second message. At this point, I am content that boys want to tell me how pretty I am without expecting a response. It's like a Word-A-Day e-mail, but I get more self-esteem instead of a bigger vocabulary. Although I do plan on looking up what the word "world=p" means.


I don't really expect a reply but I really wanted to tell you you're really adorable!

This was the first message I received after a good friend of mine suggested I make a profile on a dating website. We were (maybe more than) a couple of beers into the evening, and I had just finished telling her how excited I was to be young and single in the city on the verge of the summer season. My first pair of high heels and my first tube of expensive mascara proved that I was ready to start dating again. This website, she suggested, could help ease me back into casual dating. I had some serious brushing up to do on my flirting skillz, yo. When I got this message it made me smile. I didn't reply, of course, 'cause he wasn't expecting me to!

This was the beginning. It gets crazy from here.