Saturday, July 30, 2011


Hey, I just looked at your pictures, and I think you are hot, I would like to make out sometime, please. I hope you don't have a warning about these types of messages in your profile. Anyways, you are hot, you're smile made my day. Thanks.Yours truly,

Missed Instant Message
Pardon my IM'ing you out of the blue, but may I say that you are dead sexy. ;)

Sleazy content aside, I do have to admit that these are actually two of the most polite messages I've ever received on this website. How tragic is that?

Monday, July 25, 2011


Missed Instant Message(s)
Jul 25
Up for grabbing some drinks this weekend?
I'll take that as a maybe.

The Big Cheese

May 25th
can't believe you keep that smile behind the scenes!
though as for waiting tables, it must get you great tips!

May 29th
hello dere, beautiful

Jul 3
i'm intrigued by the hyphen in your username
what's going on?

Jul 4
happy america day!

Jul 14
take 2?

Jul 21
so is there a way i can engage you in a stress free-conversation?
just to say hello?
because you might find that i'm not all that bad... ;)

Jul 25
i'm not gonna give up, gorgeous :)

Get real. If I wanted to date cheese, I would just open up my fridge. Well, it'd be soy cheese. It might not melt the right way or taste exactly right, but I'd probably have more fun on a date with it than I would with you.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

C'mon boys. I'm not asking a lot...

Missed Instant Message(s)
heyy i'm john
u ever go to an exotic club on th east side...
i used to dance in college

Hm. Let me think. No, I don't think I went to any exotic clubs. I spent my time in college watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and The Newsies and having Harry Potter parties with my roommates. But, it's totally cool. Not my thing, but live and let live, right? I'm ignoring your instant messages, but in my heart I'm wishing you well, John. Peace.

Missed Instant Message(s)
the reason im asking is cuz
u remind me of this girl
who used to come thru alot


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Yarrrr, may I tie you to the railroad tracks, guv'nor?

arrrrrhello how you today hope fine?i read your profile and i can see you possess all the qualities i needed in reletionship, ahahathat why i write you this message,i will realy like to know you more better you can write me your yahoomessager address inothere to know more about our self on live charting i will be waiting to ear from you soon tanks.

What a mysteriously romantic message! It's not even signed! For all I know, you could be a pirate, Snidely Whiplash, a Yahoo Messager representative, or a chimney sweep. Whoever you are, I think I'm in love with you. And yet, replying would ruin all the mystery and charm that I find so attractive. So thanks for this note, I'll keep it with me always and I'll never forget you. And the phrase "live charting" will probably crack me up forevermore. And so, Adieu.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I mean, come on

Missed Instant Message(s) 5:35pm
Hey There

Do people respond on this chat thing or am I better off sending you a message?


I hate having to prove that I'm worth talking to...but I do actually think we'd get along quite well...

NPR, love it, This American Life and Radiolab are regularly on my ipod in podcast form

i have a bonsai tree

clearly you dig the BBC nature docs, if you haven't already you should check out their latest, human planet, its amazing, especially the jungles episode

i love about 60% of music choices, im especially impressed by the kinks

i don't play the steel drums, but im working on acquiring the mysterious, hard to obtain "hang drum"

youtube that, it's amazing, sounds a lot like a steel drum actually

you love tomatoes, i love tomatoes, theyre growing on my roof

i mean, come on


If my barrage of chat messages didn't get the job done, I don't know what will. If you would be so kind, I'm curious to know why I got ignored. This is a strange place and I clearly need help understanding the ins and outs. ok, peace.


This guy likes me way too aggressively considering it's based on tomatoes, bonsai trees, and 60% of my taste in music.

Chad, i WILL be so kind to explain why I ignored you:

Listen, you have to be careful with these dating websites. Just because we have a bunch of similar random interests doesn't mean we were meant for each other. We both love tomatoes, but you have no idea how I actually pronounce the word "tomato." There's a chance that a date with me could lead to an extremely violent interpretation of a George Gershwin song. And no one wants that.

So. You love tomatoes, I love tomatoes. Let's call the whole thing off.

...oh and also, you seem like kind of a dick.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

I made him so :-(

June 4, 2011

I found your profile very impressive, and I am not easily impressed. It is clear from the way you write that you are obviously very intelligent without ever seeming like you are trying to show off. I think that you and I have a lot in common.

Indeed, my biggest concern about you is that you seem almost too good to be true. I mean, how do I know that you aren't some fifty-year-old man writing to me from his basement? Accordingly, I'd like to learn a little bit more about you to make sure you really are who you say you are before I make up my mind about you.

How much seltzer is "an absurd amount"? Do you have any brothers or sisters, and are you close with your family? And what is your name? (Hint: it should not be a man's name without a very good explanation).

I'm really looking forward to hearing back from you.


June 19th, 2011

Ah, I knew it! You didn't get back to me because you really ARE a 50 year old man writing to me from his basement! Just my luck.

It's not like there could be some other reason you haven't written back that I can think of. But that's no reason to be rude, right? Even if you're too afraid to answer my last email, you can still write back and tell me about your basement lair. What's it like?

- Arthur

July 17th, 2011


I was going to let this guy slide and spare him from Stupider Cupid. But then I received the best follow up to a follow up message that bitches about me not following up. Congrats, Arthur! You've earned yourself a place on my website for stupid messages.

Friday, July 15, 2011

A Swell Schedule


I appreciate brevity in all its forms, and also frankness, but I'll attempt to have a modicum of tact because crudeness is just awful.

I think you're terribly cute, and seem terribly swell, and I'd really like to skip past the part where we trade cutesy little internet messages and get to know each other on a fairly superficial level. What I'd love would be to take you out on a date sometime, where we can discuss all the things that we're passionate about, and both become terribly turned on by the fact that the other is so very passionate about such awesome things, and perhaps (but not necessarily) end the date with some awesome makeouts and the promise to spend more time together in the future.

If this appeals to you, message me back, and let's compare schedules!


Gregory! Athough I appreciate you being brief (actually, you weren't) and tactful (mmm...not so much) this is just creepy. Almost as creepy as the molestache you're sporting in your profile picture.

I am interested in comparing schedules, though. I bet yours goes something like this:

9am- Wake up from a terribly swell dream
10am- Make some awesome breakfast
11am- Take my terribly awesome dog for a swell walk
12pm- Have a horribly delicious lunch
1-6pm- Shave, trim, comb, powder and dress mustache
7pm- Horribly, terribly swell, swell horrible terribleness.
8pm- Send out awesomely creepy message to swell girl
9pm- Become terribly turned on at the prospect of a date with girl
10pm- Play awesome video games terribly
11pm- Go to sleep alone

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The book he's talking about is The Stepford Wives...

If you've a bit of Lolita in your soul, may I entice you into indulging yourself in a flirtation with a charming, urbane, well-read, well-traveled, highly inappropriate rogue from the town in FF County that inspired Ira Levin to write the book that he's best known for. The one that was filmed not just once, but twice, here in the land of Pink And Green at, inter alia, the "Good Wives' Shopping Center." It exists. I didn't believe it until I went to see.
I'm an unreconstructed rebel/hippie/love-child from the 60's & 70's; more or less successfully disguised as a more or less responsible adult. The occasionally curmudgeonly but always funny fixture in the corner office that has been there for a 100 years, smokes cigars, reports apparently to no-one, and drives old old sports cars to and from work.


I thought I had finally received a message that left me utterly speechless, but then the brigade of disgusted expletives that left my mouth upon clicking on the attached pics to see a fat old man riding a horse reassured me that I hadn't quite reached that point yet.
Go ahead and reread this message. This time around, imagine it being spoken in the voice of "Yes Guy" from The Simpsons.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

The feeling was mutual. But only somewhat.

Hey there, I'm Lucky -- yep, real name -- nice to meet you!

A friendly, dorky, but well-meant lad who enjoyed reading about you and hopes the feeling, is somewhat mutual. Love to hear more about you -- like why a seemingly awesome gal like yourself is single -- and hopefully the feeling is somewhat mutual.

Thanks for reading and I hope to hear from you!


What. The fuck. Is your name?

I'm going to go with Edward. Because there is no way he is getting Lucky. BOO-YEAH!

Friday, July 1, 2011

A distinct lack of character(s)

hey u seem pretty nice im mike whats yours :)

Sorry, mike whats yours, I don't date boys who use punctuation strictly for emoticons and nothing more.

Seriously. The blanket has to be cashmere and shirtless men dressed in ancient Roman attire have to be feeding me grapes.

Good morning ,is it true you care for a small picnics?
I'm Will

For the record, my profile says nothing about picnics. He was just being presumptuous. Turns out I do care for picnics, especially ones that are vaguely singular, but only if they are lavish. So close, Will, and yet so far.