STFU

So, the awful punniness of your username immediately drew in and, indeed, you fess up to being good at them in general. (I still have the "flour power" label from my electric mixer's box displayed on my fridge.) Of course, now I'm getting awful stage fright and can't come up with any punny rejoinders. 

I also admit to being really intrigued by the idea that your job not only permits, but *requires* company-wide emails to be in limerick form. I suspect that's not quite what you meant.  While our group at my office has been known to compose awful limericks at parties (like rap battles, but for a bunch of dorks), our regular work days don't involve nearly as much doggerel as they really should. 


1.)  There's no need to admit you have stage fright.  You're sending me a message on an internet dating website.  Take a few minutes, and think of something witty.  I won't know the difference.

2.)  My job requires me to maintain a fun office culture.  Writing limerick e-mails is one of the many ways I do that.  Stop using asterisks to argue semantics.  You're an idiot.

Huh?

Hey there! You seem like a fun pain in the butt to get to know so just saying Hi! :-P JK I must say i was intrigued with your nerdy side yet compassionate personality. 
Hope to hear from ya! 
Kevin

If you really hope to hear from me, why would you send such a stupid message?

The Easy Way Out

ok, my name's andrew, but i'm not good at writing these emails. so i want you to close your eyes and think of the most charming, endearing email that you can possibly imagine and then pretend that i've written it to you. because truth be told, i'd really like to talk :)

Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing endearing about this.

 you sound like you would be fun to plot world domination with over a flirty spontaneous hot toddy. I always get along with production designer types, even if they've fallen off the wagon.

Yes, let's make a plan to do something specific and spontaneous.

A little effort, eh?

I like your profile a lot. Anyone who likes Shakespeare, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, Dr. Who, MST3K, the Daily Show, Planet Earth, etc., immediately piques my attention. And the fact that you are empathetic and do volunteer work.

Guy.  You can't just list the things in my profile and call it a day.  Doesn't work that way.

Plus, he's really interested in knowing about my weekend.

Hi, 

How is your weekend going? We have a lot in common. I also love reading and 
The Daily Show.  Hope you are having a good weekend! Have you done anything fun? 

Lee

You love reading and The Daily Show too?!  What a small world!

Road Trip!

your beautiful and atractive...so where exactly does your sense of humor lie?

Over Punctuation Mountain, beyond Spelling Valley, and across You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me River.

That was pretty declarative.

How are you? Did you do the 4 day hike to Machu Picchu? I am going down there in the fall! You would not happen to have any advice about traveling in Peru.

You said it, not me.  

For the Record...There are Ten...

Hey there...

Just thought that...from reading through your profile...that you'll be a fun person to chat with... Maybe it's because of my quirky sense of humor (but that wouldn't quite work as a compliment/pickup line, damn...)Or maybe it's the power-drill... almost like the Walther PPK to a power-tool James Bond... Yeah, I guess that's odd... 

Cheers, 
Carl

PS...the Scott Pilgrim movie (vs. the World) was kind of a bomb though... there! I said it!

This must have been part of some ellipses challenge.

Backwards

Hey Want to have a good time?  I love Catch22.

What?  Don't we usually talk about books before you proposition me?

And then I remember that I'm on a free dating website

you gave me a broner

I have no words.  He has no punctuation.

Hey, hope you have a great weekend!

Hey, thanks!


Hey, Nice profile!

...Hey, thanks!

OKC. The new Ambien.

I have named two of my plants. One I took off the set of a Queen Latifah movie, I call it Dana. The other is some kind of monster fern with sharp leaves(?) that an ex girlfriend was terrified of, so I anthropomorphized it to make it even scarier. I call it Henry. I have a palm tree that is dying so if I don't name it, it won't be as sad when I leave its husk on the curb. And a ficus who hasn't displayed enough individual character to be named yet. 

Are you still there? 

Not even funny

You're neat. I would go for sexy but you're going to have to work for it. Anyway you seem like a pretty cool person, I'd love to get together sometime and let you cook for me.

I had a good laugh about this with some friends.  Then I thought that this must have worked on some poor gal at some point, and I got really sad.  

So...there's that.

Hi! 

I'll be brief, and perhaps a breath of fresh air in that I'll also be forward, but not gross in my forwardness- I think you're very attractive, and you seem like a cool person, and I'd really like to hang out sometime in a romantic capacity and get to know you. 

So... there's that. 

If you're interested, I'm Adam!

Hey Adam, better hurry up and figure out what you are if I'm not interested!

Kind of adorable.

There is much to like about the things on your profile has to say, but I the standouts for me were your mentions of queen, catch 22, and hoodies. Three of my favorite thing as well. Are you from NYC? I cannot wait to get there, and I wish I didn't have to do all of these ridiculous things I have to do before I have to get to leave. 

Awww guy!  Improving your English isn't ridiculous!

Control + V

hey lovely girl u look beautiful and adorable 
i like ur cool personnality how are u

Obviously, I'm lovely, beautiful, adorable and cool.  Why bother asking, bro?

Common Ground

We have so much in common!  All of those TV shows you listed are my favorites as well. 

Any plans for the weekend? I’m thinking of going to MoMA to see the abstraction exhibit. 

~Carl

I can't really complain about this because I do specify that I'm looking for someone who is funny.  Stating we have a lot in common and then saying you're going to MoMA and signing your name with a tilde is pretty hilarious.

Very Interesting...

Hey there. You seem really cool. I like your pic and profile. If your interesting mssg me back :-)

Personal conflict.  I think I'm a pretty interesting gal, but the last thing I want to do is mssg this guy back.  

There are 1348 tech companies in NYC

I like 20's mimic you did. You might be interested in knowing that I'm starting a new tech job. It's very much laid back compared to my old job. Do you work at Experian by chance? -George 

Smile!

I love your profile. It's nice to see someone who also likes Calvin and Hobbes and mst3k. I'm also a huge fan of a Game of Thrones, but I like the books better. Most of all I like your smile, it's really cute. 
Randy

Seriously, Randy?  You like my smile better than my profile?  No big deal, it only describes my personality, hobbies, interests and aspirations.  My smile is pretty fucking awesome, but even I don't think it's better than Calvin and Hobbes, MST3K and Game of Thrones.  For one thing, Calvin's smiles are way better than mine:

Just Stop.

I'm trying to come up with a witty message in hopes to get you to read this, make a good impression, and come across charming enough for you to message me back. So far I've got....hi I'm Todd.

After I read this I wrote in my profile:  I'm smart and funny.  You should be too.

Goodbye, See Ya, Lates

Hi, good evening, how are you doing? You know, something about your profile tells me you are really interesting and we do have quite a few things in common.  You seem so down to earth.  Can I ask you out? We might like each other.  Stay peaceful.  

Whoa.  I just got a message from Vaughn from Community, complete with the three part greeting.  It's a little charming, but I already went through my hippie phase in my first year of college.  I broke up with him when he switched his major to philosophy.  So no, OKC Vaughn, you can't ask me out.  But I will tell you what it is about my profile that makes you think I might be interesting:  its fucking interesting.