Thursday, February 28, 2013

No Sparks, but Flames on the Side of My Face

Wednesday, February 6th, 6:48pm

Hi there :-D 

What's your name? 

I especially like your photo of you and your self made Art Deco design behind you. You did a cool job with the black tape, definitely succeeded with the Art Deco design and I'm a big fan of Art Deco... That 1920s mystery game sounds like fun to. Also like your taste in music; haven't met many other people in our generation who even know who Sam Cooke was (and I like to think that I've got pretty eclectic friends). I know Sam Cooke is corny but what can I say sometimes I'm just in the mood you know? 

Anyway, you seem like a really cool gal and I really like that picture of you and a power drill ;-). So what ya say we go out and get to know each other and maybe see if any sparks fly...? Or perhaps you'd prefer to get to know each other first via email or phone? I think it's better to get to know each other in person but I'm flexible when it comes to pace :-) If you would like to go out we can do anything you want, we can go take a walk in the moonlight, rob a bank ;-), go dancing, so long as what we do is fun :-) 

I think we just might have a lot of fun together. 

- Maximus

Wednesday, February 6th, 7:07pm

I see you were just looking at my profile. It was under construction until just now... :-)


Thursday, February 28th, 6:12pm

Hey there, 

How'd you like to go out sometime, get to know each other, maybe see if any sparks fly? 
I'm up for anything, a stroll in the moonlight, robbing a bank ;-), going dancing, so long as it's fun. 

- Max

Three messages.  Three variations of a signature.  Seven emoticons.  Two uses of the phrase "maybe see if any sparks fly" and two suggestions for us to get together and rob a bank winky-face.  

His brother's name is Jazzy

My name is Bland, what's yours?

Your message is just as good as your name.  This has to be a case of asshole-who-named-you-fulfilling prophecies.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The heaviest accent in all the land

wow! beauty with brain. I am a high school teacher with heaviest accent in NYC. It seems we live not far from according to OKcupid...if you are interested to make sandwich between my brain and your good look forever or get to know each other or check out my good look[ according to my mom] please please write me back.


Hi, Great Profile ! I see we have some ideas and views in common, so I thought I'd send you a message... If you want to communicate or maybe get together and meet, just say "Hi", that's a start, right !? 
I'd really like to know more... Take care

I would really like you to know more, too...about how to send a woman a nice message.

Friday, February 22, 2013

We're all in this together

How are you doing? I hope all is well. 
How's your search coming along on the site?

I kind of wish this was the OKC robot checking in on my online dating experience, but it wasn't.  Either way, a response with a link to this blog would have been absolutely appropriate.  

Thursday, February 21, 2013

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

You seem really cool and I think we have a lot in common.  You have a really nice girl next door look. Take a look at my profile and if you feel the same let me know. 

I took a look.  He doesn't have a really nice girl-next-door look.  So I didn't let him know.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


Lets cut to the point. I think your really hot and since the cold weather is here for a while I was curious to see if you would be interested in getting together with me and warming up....I mean hot chocolate of course.

Nope.  Nope.  Nope, nope, nope.  I would rather freeze to death.  Or just go get a hot chocolate by myself.

Monday, February 11, 2013

HR Violation

So do you ever tell someone you have to leave soon because otherwise Sarah, James, Anthony and Mathew are gonna die of thirst.... only then to clarify that you're referring to your house plants? 
As far as that company Newsletter, if you give me some more context information, I'd be willing to help you come up with a nice content for it.... but you must promise me you won't make me responsible if you get fired because of it! :)

1.  No
2.  Gross

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Hey, hows every little thing?

This message was absolutely delightful to receive.  Not in the sense that it was short and sweet  and his profile was charming and funny and we sent messages back and forth and lived happily ever after, but because it reminded me of this video.  Which is similar to living happily ever after.

You don't need a pick-up line with a name like that.

Hey good looking. How are you? I'd like to get to know you. I'm Elvis.

I got really excited, but then I figured he was probably just an impersonator.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Please Let Him Have The Voice of LeVar Burton


I debated it for awhile, then I got this account, I read your profile, liked it, and found it interesting.  I think you seem pretty and funny.  I want to know more about you. I'd like to meet you for coffee or a drink.  Let's see if there are any sparks and take it from there. 

What is this guy, a professional first-person narrator?  If I date him can he narrate my life?  At least if we fought, I'd know he'd use all his I-statements.


Wow beautiful, intelligent and artistically creative. Please message back if for nothing more than a rejection.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!  Love it!

Monday, February 4, 2013

"Your" Issues Are Surfacing Early On

.what's up. I like your profile. Your gorgeous. My name is Mike. Yours?

Yes thank you, I like my yours spelled correctly.  Get on that, Mike.  

Thanks for Your Vague Curiousity

What does a scenic designer do anyway?

A scenic designer designs scenery.  Way to charm the pants off me, guy.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Picky, Picky

I'm more geeky than nerdy.  I want to know why your plants have names and why you chose them.

My profile says that I like nerdy guys, as in, I like guys who are smart.  Guys who, for instance, know parts of speech and sentence structure.  I'm smart too, so I know this guy is really asking me why I chose my plants when what he intended to ask was why I chose the names that I gave my plants.  Am I being a bit nit-picky here?  Yes, absolutely.  But check out this gem from his profile and tell me I shouldn't be picky:

Man of the Yr

Good morning hope yr weekend was fun. I am Anthony what are some goals you wish to accomplish this yr? Perhaps learn to cook, learn a new language, or see other places(traveling wise) anything really. 

Do you think he hopes my year weekend was fun, or that he wants to know what goals I wish to accomplish this your?  Either way, at least he suggests three incredibly general things but then gives me the freedom to choose whatever I want.  I was tempted to reply with "My goal that I wish to accomplish this year is to resist replying to stupid messages on this website," but I know how science fiction works and I didn't want to initiate an apocalyptic paradox.  

I'm Back!

Hey crazies.  My last post on this blog was a mushy mess about how my boyfriend and I, after a few happy months together, ceremoniously deleted our OKC profiles over a glass of wine.  So yeah.  That didn't work out.  Bad news for my biological clock, but great news for you fine folks- because I'm back in the dating scene!  I wasn't sure if I would post messages this time around, but now my OKC inbox is full (I so wish that was a euphemism, but it's not), so here goes another round of stupid freaking messages that I receive from stupid freaking guys on this stupid freaking website.  I'm still posting under The Seltzer Girl, although I don't mention seltzer in my profile this time around.  Sorry to deprive you guys of messages where I'm mansplained all about soda machines and how they work.  I do have a picture of me brandishing a power drill though, so just wait for it.  A quick shout out to a contributor to this blog, ShesCrafty121, who is currently cohabiting with a good-looking Floridian and his cats, so I doubt we'll be hearing from her anytime soon.  You go girl!  

I'll be post-dating these entries for when I received the actual message, as I tend to put them up months later, in spurts.  I'll start with the very first message I received when I ran two miles, ate a slice of carrot cake for lunch, bit the bullet and signed up again this past February.  

hey u

Hold onto your seats ladies and gentlemen.  This is going to be a quite a ride.