Tuesday, May 31, 2011


hi may i just say i think you are very cute? hi my name is leroy i would like to get to know more about you given the chance


(5:11:19 pm)
hey, do you have a favorite shakespearean play

(5:14:11 pm)
or commedies by Beckett?


Hi, I am Ken. 28 years old. Japanese male. Musician in NY.

Musician? I would have guessed Robot or Ninja first.

Monday, May 30, 2011



Sadly I probably only qualify for the funny criteria to message you, as I cannot play the steel drums. But... I can probably make some bang-on noise with one for maybe two notes.

Judging on how selective it displays your replies are, I'll send this in assumption it shall be discarded. The "Quickmatch" threw your profile my way, the pictures were quite cute but more importantly I was surprised that I would also enjoy your profile. Even the eerie similarities in the questions would fuel the creation of this message. Since this will probably be left to rot in the compost heap that is the internet, I'll keep this simple... You seem like a cool person to at least say "Hello" to. I'll understand if I don't see a hello in return, but here's hoping.


Aw Samuel, you should have had higher expectations! Your message isn't rotting in a compost heap, it's displayed proudly on a blog about stupid messages! Also, I really like how you begin with the essence that "Sadly, I am funny."


Heeeeelloo there! Care to chat a little? :)
You seem like a great girl and I want to get to know you better! If you are as curious about me as I am about you just drop me a line or two. I want to get this thing going :)

Carl :)

OK, this is for anyone who grew up in New Jersey in the 90's. Johnny, let's go on that date. Let's start out at the playground, go back to your house, play a little Nintendo and eat some cereal. Because your message really reminds me of this song:

Sunday, May 29, 2011


What kind of seltzer do you drink? I'm partial to lemon-lime myself. Designed any interesting scenery lately?

Nope, no interesting scenery. In fact, it's all about as boring as your message. Next!


Missed Instant Message(s)
May 29, 2011 – 10:00pm
hello dere

Saturday, May 28, 2011


And so, here I am throwing my ridiculous, disclaimer laden, smilingly lascivious profile your way so that it just might resonate with you on a level or three, and well, really that it makes you think that a gam eof say, strip poker or strip chess, as soon as possible would be totally great and great.....or, uhm, something like that. :)


Thursday, May 26, 2011


how are you ?
By this way let me tell you something . I never seen a smile that can light like your it's simply the radiant .

There's something really interesting about the structure of the stanza and how it relates to the melancholy tone. I appreciate the beat he takes between the end of his sentences and the punctuation that signifies the end of the sentence- it just adds so much depth to the words. The way he speaks of light almost makes it tangible. And what is "the radiant" that he refers to in the terminal line? I think it's a question we should all be asking ourselves at least once in this lifetime.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I wish I had the skills to wait tables...never could care enough about what people want to eat to remember what they ordered anyway! No skinny jeans here...I don't understand why dudes would wear them I would get to hot! Not that I am not already too hot anyway...haha. So what is this dream job building sets that you seem so interested in?

Hi, I'm going to talk about myself and then feign interest in you for a second. Clicking on your profile pictures won't help, because you will always look like this in my mind:


Missed Instant Message(s)
May 25, 2011 – 10:35am
can't believe you keep that smile behind the scenes!
though as for waiting tables, it must get you great tips


Hi there :) I'm Frank. Nice to meet you (virtually speaking).
You seem really cool based on your profile.
Perhaps we can instant message sometime and get better acquainted online?

Four references to the fact that we're on the internet. As if I didn't feel weird enough about this.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I’m Terrance. There doesn’t seem to be an un-awkward way to introduce myself over the internet. Is there a story behind the sidewalk chalk or is it just the usual stash? I also feel like I should mention: I don't own a pair of skinny jeans.

I know he used it as an adjective, but un-awkward just became my new favorite verb. Let me use it in a sentence:

My fly was open, so I un-awkwarded the situation and just took off my pants.


Why don't you un-awkward this by leaving me a big tip after placing your order to my boobs.


Terrence, if I respond to you, will you reply with some confidence and un-awkward our conversation?


well hello there fellow theatre maker....
seen anything good lately? The next one on my list is War Horse.

I like your taste: from Squeeze to the Bluth Family.....
Your smile is certainly a winner too! :)

So, how is your week so far? Got anything fun/exciting/debaucherous planned? :)

This message is actually kind of innocent. For personal reasons, I detest any form of the word "debauchery." I feel like only jerks use it. The reason I did not reply to this guy, however, was that he identified himself as a fellow theatre maker, precisely the guys I'm trying to avoid here.

Monday, May 23, 2011


Hey, I see we're into similar TV shows. Between that and the iphone we don't have much in common. Not sure if that's such a bad thing tho. I'm new to the area. Living in Newark now but I find it depressing here at night. Might need to start doing some touristy things... any suggestions?

Poll: Obviously, this guy has a problem with sentence structure/comprehension. Do we assume he does or does not own an iPhone? I think he does, because he groups it with the television shows that we have in common, however, the sentence surely suggests that the iPhone is something we do not have in common. Thoughts?

Sunday, May 22, 2011


Love the screen name, although I wouldn't have pegged you as the golfing type. What's your handicap? I kid. Just want you to know that if you were my waitress I would give you a huge tip. I know you're not materialistic but have you thought about a seltzer machine? It will improve your quality of life by 1000%. Anyway I seem to be rambling a bit here, my jeans are so tight that I can't think straight, kidding again, I would never. Would love to get together over a drink, or a seltzer, or both mixed together.


Arnold suffers from what I call Cupid Aphasia. He writes messages that try to touch on every single aspect of a girl's online dating profile all at once. In doing so, he never says anything nice, meaningful, or with the potential to start an actual conversation. Cupid Aphasia is a serious condition and it's nothing to kid about.

I kid.


Hey there! Your profile shows that we have some similar interests but really though, profiles are so limiting in defining us, right? In all honesty, your smile is what's attracting me to you the most. Yes, you are beautiful but your smile gives off more than just a sense of beauty; it seems jovial, light hearted, and very honest. I suppose it's shallow of me to say it, but online dating sites be damned if we're not looking at the pictures and being a bit shallow =)! I'm definitely on the geeky side of things and I like museums and parks over bars and clubs. If anything I said struck a chord, feel free to drop a message!

a chord? No. A nerve...?

There's something about this that makes me imagine it being spoken by Rod Roddy, the old announcer from The Price Is Right. Complete with the background music and the old school once-piece bathing suit models.


So, you like theatre?

May 22, 2011 – 6:08am
I have a love-hate relationship with theatre.

May 22, 2011 – 11:19am
I love the shows, but hate the prices. Can you sing?

Saturday, May 21, 2011



My name is Nick. I am 24 years old. I have a B.S. in Marketing and have a masters degree in Internet Business Systems. I have my own business, i work, and volunteer. I have lots of aspirations and plan to get my MBA.

Let's talk soon!


I don't know if he wants a date or a job...

Thursday, May 19, 2011


im really digging your profile. youre really cute. i went to school for writing and directing for theater and film. you only do scenery design? do you work with set design at all? wherere you from?

I was frankly surprised he went to school. For writing, no less. He must have studied under the acclaimed film writer Jacques Sans Punctuation. Also, it's called scenic design, which is the same as set design. So yes, I do all of the above.



Reason you didn't receive a response: Please see previous post.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


WOW, are you just damn cute!! :-O

And no, I shall never, EVER wear skinny jeans! Or thick-framed glasses! Or . . . I could go on.

My name is Robert.

1. To me, that emoticon is the textual equivalent of that late-twenties beer-gut douchebag call to his friends in backwards hats across the bar whenever someone says something that could mildly be taken for a sexual reference. Or plainly, "AY-Oh!"

2. My aversion to skinny jeans does not lead to a dislike of thick-framed glasses. My profile explicitly states my attraction to nerds and my obsession with Buddy Holly.

3. I like how you list two totally unrelated things and then feign the potential to keep listing things I may or may not find repulsive/attractive.

4. Who puts spaces in between their ellipses?


Well at least you dont have the heart of a sailor and curse like gold? That makes no sense. i would never ever wear jeans let alone skinny ones. are you going to the free scott pilgrim screening?

You can probably guess what my profile says by this guy's lame attempt to make a joke out of it. For the record, I was much more responsive to this one:

I always kind of hoped cursing like a sailor meant shouting stuff like "By Poseidon's Beard!"

Also, the second guy was Irish. Yum.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Saturday, May 14, 2011


Your beard is good. That's just a compliment for you. About your beard... being good.

This may sound like a bizzarre message, but I *think* it refers to the final picture in my profile, which used to be this:

This is my all time favorite picture, forever. I thought that if a guy really wanted to take me out, he should know that I find this picture hysterical. My hope was that the dreamboat who would court me on the website, buy me dinner, marry me and grow old with me, would also have, at the very least, an appreciation for all of the glory and hilarity that resides within this image. Unfortunately, someone actually reported this photo and it was removed because it wasn't actually a picture of me.

Question One: It's obviously good natured and it's not lewd. Who would report it?!
Question Two: How do they REALLY know it's not me in there? I mean, it's not...but how do they REALLY know??


"inherently joyful" might be the single most attractive self-description i've ever encountered on this site, or anywhere.

i am very impressed. (and that is a killer smile, indeed.)

can we be friends? or something? ;)

happy tuesday!

MMM yes, Jordan. We can be "something." And by "something" i mean "not friends."

Friday, May 13, 2011


There really isn't such a thing as too much sidewalk chalk, no matter the age. FYI.

Favourite Kurt Vonnegut book?

There's just something about this message that makes me think this guy was rolling his eyes as he was typing it. Was he sending me a message against his will?


I'll say it anyway!

I usually don't say things like what I am about to say because I think it's cheesy and wreaks of desperation and loneliness. But it's what popped in my head and I like to speak my mind.

You are absolutely fucking adorable. Like it would be hard not to hug you. Almost like a sense of naivety is being projected but I know that's not the case.

Hope you don't take that as some creep who preys upon innocent women. Just something to express that is rarely experienced.

Two days later...

I totally freaked you out. Correct?


Thursday, May 12, 2011


I know this sorta thing never flies on this site but you are hands down the prettiest girl ive seen on this site, and since i know that kinda message never gets a response on this site so i feel inclined to also mention that skinny jeans are a ridiculous fashion trend that makes me oh so angry to have to see out in the world=p. Enjoy your day!

Search: "on this site"
Replace: "in my pants"

...much more amusing, right?

Second message. At this point, I am content that boys want to tell me how pretty I am without expecting a response. It's like a Word-A-Day e-mail, but I get more self-esteem instead of a bigger vocabulary. Although I do plan on looking up what the word "world=p" means.


I don't really expect a reply but I really wanted to tell you you're really adorable!

This was the first message I received after a good friend of mine suggested I make a profile on a dating website. We were (maybe more than) a couple of beers into the evening, and I had just finished telling her how excited I was to be young and single in the city on the verge of the summer season. My first pair of high heels and my first tube of expensive mascara proved that I was ready to start dating again. This website, she suggested, could help ease me back into casual dating. I had some serious brushing up to do on my flirting skillz, yo. When I got this message it made me smile. I didn't reply, of course, 'cause he wasn't expecting me to!

This was the beginning. It gets crazy from here.