Thursday, June 30, 2011

Love Always, Professor Trelawney


I enjoyed reading your profile. It reflects a very genuine, real, and refreshingly rare person.

Lets meet for mimosas and great conversation at sunset by the river.

We have a lot in common and both seek the same.


Also, neither can live while the other survives...the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies. And he will drink girly drinks.

seltzer machines...i mean, what is the deal with that?

Hello there, empathetic aspiring set designer. I can't play the steel drums, but I own a seltzer machine. Does that balance out? I also curse a shitload, but usually not online because it can come across as a little fuckin' artificial, you know? But only sometimes.


I own skinny jeans, but I won't wear them for you. I mostly just wear athletic shorts now. I do, however, own a seltzer machine, does that balance out? I'd like to play steel drums. I love how they sound on Jane Says by Jane's Addiction.


Oh, I have owned skinny jeans but also a seltzer machine. Do those cancel out?


hi there babe. How are you doing? You are super hot! I know we're only a 45% match and it's probably because I wear skinny jeans. I do have a seltzer machine though, does that cancel it out?


Hey! As for your requirements- I don't play the steel drums, but I do own a seltzer machine! I just want to say after reading a bunch of profiles on ok Cupid, I was going insane. All the profiles said the same thing. " I love my friends and family and I like to have fun blah blah blah" I noticed something from your profile that I can't say I see in others. You have substance. I love the fact that you are passionate about what you do. I've read so many blah profiles, I thought I was on a dating site for robocops. Nobody wants to date a robocop... 2 part question
1. What was your first job ever?
2. If money was no object, but you still had to work, what would be your dream job?


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I'll take mystifyingly short messages for $500, please.

radio lab

What is a great talk show on NPR but an effing weird way to kick off an internet relationship, Alex?

But Mooooom! All my friends have a distinct lack of mobility due to a stupid fashion trend.

But skinny jeans promote the beautiful curvature of my ass.

Sarcasm is hard to pull off online. I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're a whiny hipster bastard.

No one wants to solve this puzzle.

You look like your as happy as kid in candy store

I'd like to buy a vowel, please. Actually, two vowels and an apostrophe.

Dolla dolla bills

Money is only worth the paper it's printed on. Food and shelter are much more important things to worry about. You have a nice outlook on life. It's inspiring and encouraging. Best of luck.

Yeah, it's so silly that people worry about money when they should be worrying about all that free food and shelter.

The gobstopper who just wouldn't quit

June 29th
good morning.

June 21st
good evening.

June 14th
good afternoon. I hate skinny jeans.

There's only one way to reply to this guy....take it away, Gene Wilder.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Single Mingle

i won't wear skinny jeans if you won't ride a fixie

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:00pm
I guess it wasn't meant to be, Sugar.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:00pm
lets go for a ride and see how long your lack of gears can keep up

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:07pm
That just sounds cruel.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:07pm
only up hill

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:10pm
I bet even if I did have gears I still couldn't keep up with mister rock climber karate extroirdinaire.

Jun 28, 2011 – 4:12pm
i should really take down the karate part, i've not practiced in a couple months
i'm also a rather slow biker i'm wanting to do longer rides

Jun 29, 2011 – 10:02am
so lets get together and do something seated

Jul 1, 2011 – 10:02pm
like cocktails for instance

According to his profile, his single requirement for a potential lady friend is that she doesn't ride a single speed bike. Fortunately for me, I do. A big thank you to my bike, Sir Ipswich of Canterbury, for helping me narrowly avoid this winner. By the way, I think the time stamps on this conversation are the best part.

The Overcompensator

I doubt very much that your only superficial requirement is that a guy not wear skinny jeans, but I intentionally buy jeans several sizes too big just to avoid anybody possibly making that mistake about me.

Just throwing that out there.

He probably also buys condoms that are several sizes too big, just to avoid anybody possibly making the mistake that his penis is tiny. Do you see how your logic is flawed?

Just throwing that out there.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Gee, thanks.

Hi :)

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:33pm

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:34pm
how are you?

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:36pm
No complaints! How are you?

Jun 27, 2011 – 9:38pm
Yeah no point in complaining bc no one really cares! haha Im good just where do you plan on going in sept? Please talk me into coming!

Missed Instant Message
Hi I totally wasn't trying to be mean
I just reread it and i totally didn't mean it like that.


Missed Instant Message(s)
Jun 27, 2011 – 9:19pm
Hi. I sent you a message recently. Want to talk?

Yes, I want nothing more than to talk to you. That's precisely why I didn't respond to your original message.


Hi, how r u? I would love to get to know u...I would also love to hear about ur soon to be new job! I do construction myself..well I can fix almost anything..

Great! I have a faucet that leaks and a bad first impression on a dating website.

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Missed Instant Message
hello. how are you?
the cuties never respond. too many choices.

Missed Instant Message
hi there, cutey.

Missed Instant Message
ow are you, cutie pie?

I have a bad habit of turning my computer on and then walking away to do something else. I was in the shower getting fresh and clean when I missed these gems. Three different variations on the word "cutie" from THREE DIFFERENT GUYS. I had struck comedic gold, but I did have to take another shower because I felt pretty dirty.

Saturday, June 25, 2011



Yea, so I realize my profile has virtually nothing in it .... yet. This is newly created.

Not quite sure how this is supposed to work yet. I'll figure it out tomorrow, maybe. Anyway, thought I'd say hey so at least it didn't seem weird.

Oh, and cute pic :)

I don't know what "it" is, but you're too late. You already made it weird.

Thursday, June 23, 2011


I see you reply selectively, but I will ramble at you anyway.
...because - holy cow - you're interesting!

Waiting tables is a terrible drain on the soul. Decent money, yes, but a good waste of energy. I worked as a waiter and restaurant manager for 5 years before I knew I'd be miserable making a career out of it.

So now I'm back in school to be a teacher!!
Because it's better to serve humanity than it is to serve Mahi Mahi.

I was just wondering if I smile too much today...
Most people tend not to smile as much as I do.
I fear they are missing all the great things I see.

Maybe you understand.

1984, Dante, Scott Pilgrim, RHPC, Regina Spector, Greenday, and Sublime all rock.

One day, if you're interested, I'll let you try to convince me about Harry Potter and Bruce Springsteen.

I'm home in Westchester for the summer.
Say hi sometime.
I'll bet we'd have, at the very least, a fairly interesting internet conversation.

You were wrong about a fairly interesting internet conversation being the very least we'll have. I once refused to go on a date with a persistent boy until he had read all of the Harry Potter books. Maybe I should add that to my profile.


Actually When i saw ur profile I could not believe in my eyes , bc U look like sunshine.U look like the girl of my dreams : )

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


the internet told me that you'd be an exceptional match. with the exception of this seltzer business i would have no choice to agree. can i interest you in a drink?


Basically, what you're trying to say is that our rating is exceptional with one exception: drink. Can you take me out for a drink?


What if I wear skinny jeans WHILE playing a steel drum????

I bet he was really proud of this message when he came up with it after all those hours trying to choose the perfect words. And the perfect place to enunciate. And the perfect amount of question marks.

Friday, June 17, 2011


So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that – without a doubt – your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20?

Jun 17, 2011 – 9:14pm
wtf? do people really do that? i'm a simple girl, that's all- not a lot to talk about. if it helps you with your bet at all you can tell your friend that i've been meaning to add something about how i have a subscription to national geographic but i haven't gotten around to it yet.

Jun 17, 2011 – 9:19pm
hmm that helps because only women subscribe to national geographic! want to split the $20?

Your snarky comment implied that my information was of no use whatsoever to you in regards to your stupid bet with your stupid friend. And yet somehow it proved your point, you won the $20. And now you want to take me out on a cheap date. I think the real proof that I'm not a guy is that you haven't received a reply. And you never will.


Bored... What kind if guys are you into?

You're in luck! I'm totally into BORING guys!!

Monday, June 13, 2011


How did the weather treat you today?

Sunny with a 95% chance of stupid questions.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


Hey there,
I really think these things are interesting, since it's not usual for two people to introduce themselves via email. There was something about your profile that caught my eye. Maybe it was a fun vibe I got from you. I have a feeling that there's more to you than your looks but let's see if you're as nice, interesting and attractive as you look on here.

I don't talk about myself too much, but I'm fit, got my life together, and I'm really funny.. if you don't like to laugh we're in trouble..

What is the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? What is your favorite thing to cook?
Well I hope you can dance and aren't too picky with food(some girls only eat green leaves),then we should be able to get along well ;-) Let's talk sometime..

The most spontaneous thing I've ever done is not dance. My favorite thing to cook is salad. We're not meant for each other. Case closed.

Saturday, June 11, 2011


What's your name and numba?


Hey!! I think ur super cute! but I'm a little shy!!! :-( I'd like to get to know you more better. If you're interested, lets chat sometime, OK?! :-D


Too late. You've already established yourself as a 13 year old Japanese girl in my mind.


tag, you're it...

Friday, June 10, 2011



I'm sure you get a million emails a day but you seem great so I thought I'd say hello.

My name's Wesley and I'm a Brit. For the last 4 years or so I've been working on the whole "saving the world" thing (first as an advisor to Blair and then with a political firm) and moved to NYC a few months ago to shake things up and learn a bit more about life.

I love the theatre - my whole family is involved. And I infact run this company -

I live for traveling. I've just got back from my two best friends wedding in Hawaii which was totally amazing. And I'm heading back to London on Wednesday which will be amazing!

What's your next big adventure?

I like to tell myself that I'm pretty awesome. I don't know anyone else in the world who'd attempt to ride a push bike from London to Lisbon. Or sneezes so loudly that they can shake a building.

You seem great - I don't own any skinny jeans - so I think you should say hi!


Wesley, you were actually kind of cute until you admitted that you like to tell yourself that you're pretty awesome and then proceeded to list reasons that don't make any sense. I'm glad Hawaii was amazing and I'm glad London will be amazing, but your messaging skills are not so amazing. And I'm glad you think you're pretty awesome, because my opinion of you is pretty different.

Thursday, June 9, 2011



Came across your profile and thought you were super cute so wanted to drop by and say hi :) I've been on this site for a few months and been on a couple of dates which turned out to be with women obsessed with religion (one turned out to be a cult member from Utah and the other had a crush on the Pope). Quite interesting but not my cup of tea.
Anyhow, its been sweltering hot and I dont want to do anything but lie naked infront of my A/C, but if you'd fancy a drink, I know some decent watering holes in and around the East Village...

- Paul

Glad to hear that my profile was motivation enough for you to consider putting on clothes and going out. Seriously, we live in the greatest freaking city in the world.


Heya, wanted to send you a quick message. I think you have an effing adorable smile, and I had to let you know... even though I'm at work... and am 'risking' my boss coming over, and spotting me sending a personal message on a dating website.

That would be awkward, but seriously, he's not going to see this.

I'll send you a proper message later on at night, I just couldn't wait until then.

Thank you for brightening my day, and enjoy the rest of yours!


This actually may have been kind of impressive if you didn't put quotation marks around 'risking.' Putting your job on the line to tell a girl she has an effing adorable smile is soooooo romantic. Why'd you have to go and remove the thrill? Do you do the same thing during sex?

Mmm baby, you are blowing my mind. Don't worry, though. There's actually no risk that my head will really explode. It's just an expression, you see. Oooh, and the way you touch me is so hot, I mean whatever, it's cool. Girl, you're driving me crazy. Well, no need for concern. My mental health is totally stable.


So the machines say we are 86% match (now I'm not a betting man, but that seem like a pretty good chances... except for the horse races, naturally) and since machines will be our masters soon perhaps it is wise to start obeying them early... :)

Seriously, I would like to learn more about you... what say you?

Hope to hear from you

And they're off! In the lead it's Awkward Sarcasm followed closely by Stupid Joke. Coming up from behind is Get Serious and Slight Desperation. But what's this? At the very last second, Not-A-Chance pulls ahead for the win! Quite a surprise with Not-A-Chance, the odds were only 86%.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Hey how are you? Saw your profile and wanted to say Hi! You have a great smile. I have spent YEARS at the waiting game, but am glad to be out. I must confess, I am somewhat new to the whole online dating thing, so I find myself at a loss for words. Well, write back and we'll chat.


Aw, Lucas if you're already at a loss for words, there is no way I'm writing back. I can deal with an awkward pause or two on a real date, but in a message on a dating website? Not going to happen.


Hey, I liked your profile and thought you looked very beautiful, so I figured it would not hurt to introduce myself. My name is Garth, and I recently graduated and began working at IBM to pay the bills. It's funny, but I actually majored in education to teach history, but the job that IBM offered was too good to pass up. Anyway, I ended up moving upstate, but I come into the city every weekend. You seem super cool, let's chat and see if maybe we can sort something out. If you have any questions, please ask. Hope you have a nice day, latah!

Sunday, June 5, 2011


define 'skinny'...

Skinny [skin-ee] (adj): Judging by your profile picture, not you.


Skinny jeans & hats with the stickers still on them are 'fashion' things I will never understand.
And they also seem to be taking way too long to go away!

Friday, June 3, 2011



It's messages like these that make me really wish there was a universally understood gagging emoticon.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


My skinny jeans are soo tight you can play steel drum on them! I hoping the two cancel eachother out and my funnyness puts me over the top. Have you ever seen the show "Movie Magic"? It was my favoirte show when I was a kid. I dreamed of one day being a set desiner. I immagined they were mystical cretures who would hop around making things explode. Was I right?


If you have to explain that what you said was funny, you're not funny. If you use the word "funnyness," I don't like you. Also, the "g" may be silent, but you still gotta put it in there, Christopher.


I am funny. I hate skinny jeans (I kinda still wish it was the 90's in terms of jeans) and I have absolutely no clue how to play steal drums. I own a seltzer making machine and thought your profile was honest and cute.

I hate skinny jeans, too, but I do prefer them to the two immediate images I visualize when I think about 90's jeans:

Also, I could have assumed you don't know how to play the steel drums from the fact that you don't know how to spell "the steel drums."


Hi there you look like a fun person, i don't like or ware skinny jeans at all.
However i wish i owned steel drums.


This has inspired me to write a horror novel specifically for upper class Republicans who are deathly afraid that their children are gay. It's about regular jeans that turn into skinny jeans when there's a full moon. Also, what I can only assume was a failed attempt at a friendly farewell statement makes this message seem like it's an unenthusiastically rendered finger painting by a 5 year old kid that someone only put up on the fridge in the hopes that the child will discover his true calling as an artist, because he's definitely not going to go into linguistics.


Would you like to share how you're going to change the world over a beverage?