Simplify, Simplify

hey there! 

I received a message from someone else, then I logged in to read that message. But, before I read it, I saw your picture, and for some reason I felt I want to go through your profile :) 
You have an interesting and unique profile! I really liked it. Plus, you have beautiful eyes ;) 

Anyways, here I'm writing this message, and I forgot to even read the other message from the other person, haha... I guess that message brought me here to find you! 

Waiting to see your reply...


hey there!

i'm desireable.  you're interesting and pretty!

fate has brought us together through a website with thousands of people looking to meet someone.

did you buy any of this bullshit?

Girl, you're a beautiful artist...

this is the start of one of those spoken word breakdowns in the middle of a New Kids on the Block song, right? 

Hey are you shy or something?

Happy Birthday to Me!

Let's get married

Great message for my 28th birthday!  Thanks for the reminder that I'm still single!

Defensively Adventurous

Hi. We have stuff in common. Yes... I did put "adventure" in my profile. Do you see that word a lot? I don't care. Yes, I like adventures. I like the craziness of them, ok?

I can only assume this is what he thinks is the imaginary other side of this conversation:

-Ugh, no we don't.  Did you put "adventure" in your profile?
-No, I never see that word because no one's dumb enough to use it.  It's fucking stupid.
-Do you mean to tell me that you actually like adventures?
-That's so lame.  What could you possibly like about adventures?

I'd Prefer a Smattering

Hi how ya doin? You garbed my attention and id love to know a bit more about you. I'm a 35 year old NYC firemen from Brooklyn. If you like tall dark n handsom with a touch of intelligence and ambition we should talk.

Looking for a bit more than "a touch" of intelligence.  Thanks anyway, though!

Poetry Corner

hello I think your Beautiful 
And I would like to get to know you 
I know my profile I'd blank but ill answer any ?'s 
I hope to hear from you

Today's poem is brought to you by autocorrect and loneliness.

It's a Trap!

Hey there. I just changed my profile a bit. I would appreciate a female's perspective on it. If you have a sec, could you check me out and let me know what you think? Thanks :-)

For the record, this was sent by a single straight guy.  I'm sorry, but isn't the entire point of this venture to fill out an online profile and get a female's perspective on it?

Cereal Lady Killer

If you had a choice between Captain Crunch and Lucky Charms which would you choose and why?

Something tells me this guy might be a little Special K.

Turns out real life ain't much better.

I went out on a date last week!  About ten minutes in, there was a four second lull in the conversation.  He said "I'm not a great conversationalist, but here are some pictures of my cats."

Let's Address my Profile Pic

Ok.  So.  In my profile picture, I'm posing in a dress with a DeWalt drill.  Here's the result:

May 1
If you can actually use that drill, lets date.

April 5
do you take that drill with you on dates?

April 2
Hey there - normally I don't comment on profile pics but I happen to be a fan of power drills as well. 

March 24
Nothing's sexier than a girl with a power drill in hands and ready to use it. Is it real or made of plastic?

March 23
What are you doing to do with that weapon??

March 21
Glad that I was able to make it through messaging you without mentioning the drill (wait, dammit), 

March 11
Nice tool!

March 11
Can I borrow your drill? I'm going to be picking up some IKEA stuff and might need to make a few design changes. Wouldn't happen to have an electric saw too would you?

March 12 
what's the story with n that drill? lol

March 9 Tell me now, how many rude comments have you received due to your profile picture. I'm curious. You seem like you could be a ton of fun or perhaps trouble. I haven't decided yet:). 

March 1
Okay, so immediately, I have to say that profile photo with the power drill is strikingly charming (Is it the drill? Or the smile? Or maybe the pose?) -- but you probably know that since you made it your profile photo. 

Pardon my ignorance, but is scenic design like designing theatre sets? That sounds pretty cool, but so does working at a fun tech company (I'm biased, though, since I work at one too). 

Anyway, the nerdy undertones and superb taste clearly resonate, but I've got to go back to my original point which begs me to ask: why *are* you doing with a drill in a professional-looking photo?

Capitalization. It changes things.

While I know I'm out out of your range for a match. I have to say I always appreciated Carpenters or people who do would work. Best of luck finding a match! 
Burt

yum;)

gross :(

Really, rgoslingsuprfan?

hey babe. your profile name is so dumb

in fact i like u, if we can be friends i like to know u :)

Double Chin Emoji

Hey, what's up ? Nice to meet you, I'm Sayfur. :)))

April 12th was a good day for me

April 12
Your hair is awesome.  I'm Sam, what's your name?

April 12
You are so gorgeous.
-R

April 12
Cute Pics, By The Way.

April 12
You can just tell me to go to hell, but you look like you'd be a great hook up.  Interested =)


I appreciate the self-esteem boost, OKC.  But I'm gonna pass on these winners.

How long were you in the business?

Hi, 
A fellow ex-thesbian I see :) Did you find the transition from the theatre to the office as jarring as I did at first? 
-Scott

Face Palm

I've been looking for you everywhere! Where you've been hiding all this time!! 
You have an interesting profile... And your eyes!! I don't know what to say other than you have pretty eyes ;) 
So here what's going to happen; you will pack your things from here, then you will send me your number so we can text, after that directly you will close this account :)

That sounds great, there's just one problem...

STFU

So, the awful punniness of your username immediately drew in and, indeed, you fess up to being good at them in general. (I still have the "flour power" label from my electric mixer's box displayed on my fridge.) Of course, now I'm getting awful stage fright and can't come up with any punny rejoinders. 

I also admit to being really intrigued by the idea that your job not only permits, but *requires* company-wide emails to be in limerick form. I suspect that's not quite what you meant.  While our group at my office has been known to compose awful limericks at parties (like rap battles, but for a bunch of dorks), our regular work days don't involve nearly as much doggerel as they really should. 


1.)  There's no need to admit you have stage fright.  You're sending me a message on an internet dating website.  Take a few minutes, and think of something witty.  I won't know the difference.

2.)  My job requires me to maintain a fun office culture.  Writing limerick e-mails is one of the many ways I do that.  Stop using asterisks to argue semantics.  You're an idiot.

Huh?

Hey there! You seem like a fun pain in the butt to get to know so just saying Hi! :-P JK I must say i was intrigued with your nerdy side yet compassionate personality. 
Hope to hear from ya! 
Kevin

If you really hope to hear from me, why would you send such a stupid message?

The Easy Way Out

ok, my name's andrew, but i'm not good at writing these emails. so i want you to close your eyes and think of the most charming, endearing email that you can possibly imagine and then pretend that i've written it to you. because truth be told, i'd really like to talk :)

Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing endearing about this.

 you sound like you would be fun to plot world domination with over a flirty spontaneous hot toddy. I always get along with production designer types, even if they've fallen off the wagon.

Yes, let's make a plan to do something specific and spontaneous.

A little effort, eh?

I like your profile a lot. Anyone who likes Shakespeare, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, Dr. Who, MST3K, the Daily Show, Planet Earth, etc., immediately piques my attention. And the fact that you are empathetic and do volunteer work.

Guy.  You can't just list the things in my profile and call it a day.  Doesn't work that way.

Plus, he's really interested in knowing about my weekend.

Hi, 

How is your weekend going? We have a lot in common. I also love reading and 
The Daily Show.  Hope you are having a good weekend! Have you done anything fun? 

Lee

You love reading and The Daily Show too?!  What a small world!

Road Trip!

your beautiful and atractive...so where exactly does your sense of humor lie?

Over Punctuation Mountain, beyond Spelling Valley, and across You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me River.

That was pretty declarative.

How are you? Did you do the 4 day hike to Machu Picchu? I am going down there in the fall! You would not happen to have any advice about traveling in Peru.

You said it, not me.  

For the Record...There are Ten...

Hey there...

Just thought that...from reading through your profile...that you'll be a fun person to chat with... Maybe it's because of my quirky sense of humor (but that wouldn't quite work as a compliment/pickup line, damn...)Or maybe it's the power-drill... almost like the Walther PPK to a power-tool James Bond... Yeah, I guess that's odd... 

Cheers, 
Carl

PS...the Scott Pilgrim movie (vs. the World) was kind of a bomb though... there! I said it!

This must have been part of some ellipses challenge.

Backwards

Hey Want to have a good time?  I love Catch22.

What?  Don't we usually talk about books before you proposition me?

And then I remember that I'm on a free dating website

you gave me a broner

I have no words.  He has no punctuation.

Hey, hope you have a great weekend!

Hey, thanks!


Hey, Nice profile!

...Hey, thanks!

OKC. The new Ambien.

I have named two of my plants. One I took off the set of a Queen Latifah movie, I call it Dana. The other is some kind of monster fern with sharp leaves(?) that an ex girlfriend was terrified of, so I anthropomorphized it to make it even scarier. I call it Henry. I have a palm tree that is dying so if I don't name it, it won't be as sad when I leave its husk on the curb. And a ficus who hasn't displayed enough individual character to be named yet. 

Are you still there? 

Not even funny

You're neat. I would go for sexy but you're going to have to work for it. Anyway you seem like a pretty cool person, I'd love to get together sometime and let you cook for me.

I had a good laugh about this with some friends.  Then I thought that this must have worked on some poor gal at some point, and I got really sad.  

So...there's that.

Hi! 

I'll be brief, and perhaps a breath of fresh air in that I'll also be forward, but not gross in my forwardness- I think you're very attractive, and you seem like a cool person, and I'd really like to hang out sometime in a romantic capacity and get to know you. 

So... there's that. 

If you're interested, I'm Adam!

Hey Adam, better hurry up and figure out what you are if I'm not interested!

Kind of adorable.

There is much to like about the things on your profile has to say, but I the standouts for me were your mentions of queen, catch 22, and hoodies. Three of my favorite thing as well. Are you from NYC? I cannot wait to get there, and I wish I didn't have to do all of these ridiculous things I have to do before I have to get to leave. 

Awww guy!  Improving your English isn't ridiculous!

Control + V

hey lovely girl u look beautiful and adorable 
i like ur cool personnality how are u

Obviously, I'm lovely, beautiful, adorable and cool.  Why bother asking, bro?

Common Ground

We have so much in common!  All of those TV shows you listed are my favorites as well. 

Any plans for the weekend? I’m thinking of going to MoMA to see the abstraction exhibit. 

~Carl

I can't really complain about this because I do specify that I'm looking for someone who is funny.  Stating we have a lot in common and then saying you're going to MoMA and signing your name with a tilde is pretty hilarious.

Very Interesting...

Hey there. You seem really cool. I like your pic and profile. If your interesting mssg me back :-)

Personal conflict.  I think I'm a pretty interesting gal, but the last thing I want to do is mssg this guy back.  

There are 1348 tech companies in NYC

I like 20's mimic you did. You might be interested in knowing that I'm starting a new tech job. It's very much laid back compared to my old job. Do you work at Experian by chance? -George 

Smile!

I love your profile. It's nice to see someone who also likes Calvin and Hobbes and mst3k. I'm also a huge fan of a Game of Thrones, but I like the books better. Most of all I like your smile, it's really cute. 
Randy

Seriously, Randy?  You like my smile better than my profile?  No big deal, it only describes my personality, hobbies, interests and aspirations.  My smile is pretty fucking awesome, but even I don't think it's better than Calvin and Hobbes, MST3K and Game of Thrones.  For one thing, Calvin's smiles are way better than mine:

Just Stop.

I'm trying to come up with a witty message in hopes to get you to read this, make a good impression, and come across charming enough for you to message me back. So far I've got....hi I'm Todd.

After I read this I wrote in my profile:  I'm smart and funny.  You should be too.

Goodbye, See Ya, Lates

Hi, good evening, how are you doing? You know, something about your profile tells me you are really interesting and we do have quite a few things in common.  You seem so down to earth.  Can I ask you out? We might like each other.  Stay peaceful.  

Whoa.  I just got a message from Vaughn from Community, complete with the three part greeting.  It's a little charming, but I already went through my hippie phase in my first year of college.  I broke up with him when he switched his major to philosophy.  So no, OKC Vaughn, you can't ask me out.  But I will tell you what it is about my profile that makes you think I might be interesting:  its fucking interesting.  

No Sparks, but Flames on the Side of My Face

Wednesday, February 6th, 6:48pm

Hi there :-D 

What's your name? 

I especially like your photo of you and your self made Art Deco design behind you. You did a cool job with the black tape, definitely succeeded with the Art Deco design and I'm a big fan of Art Deco... That 1920s mystery game sounds like fun to. Also like your taste in music; haven't met many other people in our generation who even know who Sam Cooke was (and I like to think that I've got pretty eclectic friends). I know Sam Cooke is corny but what can I say sometimes I'm just in the mood you know? 

Anyway, you seem like a really cool gal and I really like that picture of you and a power drill ;-). So what ya say we go out and get to know each other and maybe see if any sparks fly...? Or perhaps you'd prefer to get to know each other first via email or phone? I think it's better to get to know each other in person but I'm flexible when it comes to pace :-) If you would like to go out we can do anything you want, we can go take a walk in the moonlight, rob a bank ;-), go dancing, so long as what we do is fun :-) 

I think we just might have a lot of fun together. 

- Maximus

Wednesday, February 6th, 7:07pm

I see you were just looking at my profile. It was under construction until just now... :-)

-M

Thursday, February 28th, 6:12pm

Hey there, 

How'd you like to go out sometime, get to know each other, maybe see if any sparks fly? 
I'm up for anything, a stroll in the moonlight, robbing a bank ;-), going dancing, so long as it's fun. 

- Max

Three messages.  Three variations of a signature.  Seven emoticons.  Two uses of the phrase "maybe see if any sparks fly" and two suggestions for us to get together and rob a bank winky-face.  

His brother's name is Jazzy

My name is Bland, what's yours?

Your message is just as good as your name.  This has to be a case of asshole-who-named-you-fulfilling prophecies.

The heaviest accent in all the land

wow! beauty with brain. I am a high school teacher with heaviest accent in NYC. It seems we live not far from according to OKcupid...if you are interested to make sandwich between my brain and your good look forever or get to know each other or check out my good look[ according to my mom] please please write me back.

"Hi"

Hi, Great Profile ! I see we have some ideas and views in common, so I thought I'd send you a message... If you want to communicate or maybe get together and meet, just say "Hi", that's a start, right !? 
I'd really like to know more... Take care

I would really like you to know more, too...about how to send a woman a nice message.

We're all in this together

Hello, 
How are you doing? I hope all is well. 
How's your search coming along on the site?

I kind of wish this was the OKC robot checking in on my online dating experience, but it wasn't.  Either way, a response with a link to this blog would have been absolutely appropriate.  

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Hi,
You seem really cool and I think we have a lot in common.  You have a really nice girl next door look. Take a look at my profile and if you feel the same let me know. 

I took a look.  He doesn't have a really nice girl-next-door look.  So I didn't let him know.

Brrrrrr

Lets cut to the point. I think your really hot and since the cold weather is here for a while I was curious to see if you would be interested in getting together with me and warming up....I mean hot chocolate of course.

Nope.  Nope.  Nope, nope, nope.  I would rather freeze to death.  Or just go get a hot chocolate by myself.

HR Violation

So do you ever tell someone you have to leave soon because otherwise Sarah, James, Anthony and Mathew are gonna die of thirst.... only then to clarify that you're referring to your house plants? 
As far as that company Newsletter, if you give me some more context information, I'd be willing to help you come up with a nice content for it.... but you must promise me you won't make me responsible if you get fired because of it! :)


1.  No
2.  Gross

Everything?

Hey, hows every little thing?

This message was absolutely delightful to receive.  Not in the sense that it was short and sweet  and his profile was charming and funny and we sent messages back and forth and lived happily ever after, but because it reminded me of this video.  Which is similar to living happily ever after.

You don't need a pick-up line with a name like that.

Hey good looking. How are you? I'd like to get to know you. I'm Elvis.

I got really excited, but then I figured he was probably just an impersonator.

Please Let Him Have The Voice of LeVar Burton

Hi, 

I debated it for awhile, then I got this account, I read your profile, liked it, and found it interesting.  I think you seem pretty and funny.  I want to know more about you. I'd like to meet you for coffee or a drink.  Let's see if there are any sparks and take it from there. 

What is this guy, a professional first-person narrator?  If I date him can he narrate my life?  At least if we fought, I'd know he'd use all his I-statements.

Winner!

Wow beautiful, intelligent and artistically creative. Please message back if for nothing more than a rejection.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!  Love it!

"Your" Issues Are Surfacing Early On

.what's up. I like your profile. Your gorgeous. My name is Mike. Yours?

Yes thank you, I like my yours spelled correctly.  Get on that, Mike.  

Thanks for Your Vague Curiousity

What does a scenic designer do anyway?

A scenic designer designs scenery.  Way to charm the pants off me, guy.

Picky, Picky

I'm more geeky than nerdy.  I want to know why your plants have names and why you chose them.

My profile says that I like nerdy guys, as in, I like guys who are smart.  Guys who, for instance, know parts of speech and sentence structure.  I'm smart too, so I know this guy is really asking me why I chose my plants when what he intended to ask was why I chose the names that I gave my plants.  Am I being a bit nit-picky here?  Yes, absolutely.  But check out this gem from his profile and tell me I shouldn't be picky:

Man of the Yr

Good morning hope yr weekend was fun. I am Anthony what are some goals you wish to accomplish this yr? Perhaps learn to cook, learn a new language, or see other places(traveling wise) anything really. 

Do you think he hopes my year weekend was fun, or that he wants to know what goals I wish to accomplish this your?  Either way, at least he suggests three incredibly general things but then gives me the freedom to choose whatever I want.  I was tempted to reply with "My goal that I wish to accomplish this year is to resist replying to stupid messages on this website," but I know how science fiction works and I didn't want to initiate an apocalyptic paradox.  

I'm Back!

Hey crazies.  My last post on this blog was a mushy mess about how my boyfriend and I, after a few happy months together, ceremoniously deleted our OKC profiles over a glass of wine.  So yeah.  That didn't work out.  Bad news for my biological clock, but great news for you fine folks- because I'm back in the dating scene!  I wasn't sure if I would post messages this time around, but now my OKC inbox is full (I so wish that was a euphemism, but it's not), so here goes another round of stupid freaking messages that I receive from stupid freaking guys on this stupid freaking website.  I'm still posting under The Seltzer Girl, although I don't mention seltzer in my profile this time around.  Sorry to deprive you guys of messages where I'm mansplained all about soda machines and how they work.  I do have a picture of me brandishing a power drill though, so just wait for it.  A quick shout out to a contributor to this blog, ShesCrafty121, who is currently cohabiting with a good-looking Floridian and his cats, so I doubt we'll be hearing from her anytime soon.  You go girl!  

I'll be post-dating these entries for when I received the actual message, as I tend to put them up months later, in spurts.  I'll start with the very first message I received when I ran two miles, ate a slice of carrot cake for lunch, bit the bullet and signed up again this past February.  

hey u

Hold onto your seats ladies and gentlemen.  This is going to be a quite a ride.