Saturday, January 14, 2012


I was having blast dating people I met online and even more fun making fun of their messages. Then, at the end of June, I received this message on OKC while I was at work:

Well howdy stranger.

The Fall is indeed f*ing awesome.

I was checking my messages on my iPhone, so I couldn't really see the profile pic, and I was a little confused about the cryptically short message and I spent my afternoon jog wondering if it was blog-worthy. When I got home later, I checked it again and realized that it was from a boy I met at a picnic in Central Park about a week earlier. A boy that I happened to think was completely adorable. My profile had come up as a 96% match for him. We started hanging out here and there and it didn't take long for me to fall for him. I've been hanging on to my OKC profile purely for the hilariously pathetic messages, but we've been together for close to five months now and it's finally time to delete my account. So, without further ado, please enjoy the last five months worth of stupid messages. And single friends: keep up the good work! I hope your dating adventures have a happy ending as well. And no, he doesn't wear skinny jeans.

I have a fan!!

I clicked on your profile because you looked cute. But as I read, some things on your profile gradually filled me with unimaginable terror. "I curse like a sailor" "NPR" "Set Designer" "waiting tables" "STEEL DRUMS" "SKINNY JEANS!"

That's when I knew that I had stumbled upon the owner of the blog I was shown just yesterday by a friend of mine. The situation became pretty serious because I was stuck between the motivation to not be humiliated on the interwebz and the motivation to talk to the girl who made me laugh for the whole 45 minutes it took to finish reading the whole blog. So, I decided to message you and hopefully not say anything creepy or stupid.


This is amazing!! Thank you!!

Gross Beatniks.

hey just looking for a chat cause if given the chance it would be a pleasure to get to know you so if willing or able drop me a line some time till the next time take care

No thanks, I don't date Jack Kerouacs.

aaaaand he spelled awesome incorrectly...

hey cutie awsome smile

I didn't reply to this guy, but I have to credit him and his lack of punctuation with the new nickname I'm insisting all my friends use: Cutie Awesome Smile.

Sure, let me just grab my rape whistle...

Hi, I'm a married dominant man looking for a sweet passionate woman.. Would you like to get to know one another?

This is why nice guys finish last

Site said I should send you a nice message.. Doesn't get much nicer, than me stating it's a nice message.. in the message.

I don't know if you understand the definition of the word "nice."


Is wearing capris ok?

you wouldn't make a very rad activist.

you seem...
yes, I said rad. And I promise to keep using that word until I get a response back from ya. It's like my version of a hunger strike, but i still get to eat cheeseburgers.
But yeah, you seem like someone I'd want to hang out with, someone who cares as much about the world as having fun. Just my type.

How's the snowy weather treating you?


Ok, I actually really like this message. But I was waiting for him to keep sending me rad messages until he won over my heart and he NEVER DID. Where's the chivalry and romance, eh girls?!??

My drill's name is Romeo.

do you think it's sexist when you tell people you're a carpenter and they "really that's so cool"?

Something tells me the original draft of this message was "You're really a carpenter? That's so cool!"

It's ok, Mister, I've gotten far more degrading messages on this site that have nothing to do with my carpentry skills. You're good!

wait. maybe this is super weird!

Hey there,

How are you? I just saw your page and thought I'd say hi since you are really attractive. I'm in an open relationship and hoping to meet someone cool. Hope that's not super weird. Anyway, how's your week going?

I like his solitary reason for saying hi, but I have this funny feeling that he wasn't referring to my judgement when he said "Hope that's not super weird," but rather repeating that to himself over and over again when he's sitting at home alone thinking about his open relationship while his girlfriend is out sleeping with other guys.

ima personally offended by your bad grammar

ima personal trainer u?

Aw, I'm not a personal trainer. Oh, shoot! We don't have anything in common! Let's just leave it at that.

Whoa there, fella!

I named my houseplant Eddie.
I do not, nor am I wearing, nor will I ever, wear skinny jeans :)
I also love Sam Cooke.
Giddy up.

this was a perfectly acceptable message until the last three syllables. Creeeeeeeepy!

I would actually like to see Pee Wee rock some skinny jeans...

Your profile is the best one I have ever read! You seem super cool. Also I skinny jeans pish I haven't even owned a pair of jeans for over 10 years. D:

This is actually kind of sweet, but if the age on your profile is correct, you wore skinny jeans when you were 16 in 2001 and that's just a little weird. Unless that just means that you were skinny when you were 16 and therefore your jeans then can be classified as skinny jeans because they were "skinnier" than they are now. Because you're kind of fat now. and you kind of look like Pee Wee Herman. And according to your emoticon your mouth is above your eyes and that creeps me out.

make it easy on yourselves boys. From now on, just say "you are."

Sweet lord; you look like your 12.

Holy Jesus, you have the grammar of a 6 year old!

Emoticons are NOT an acceptable replacement for the entire body of your message.

Hi, I'm Josh


Oh and I hate Skinny Jeans

Is it just me, or is there something missing here?

Emo guys were so 2002


Yes, this was the entire content of the message. I have no idea what prompted this.

But HECK YES I'll give him a try!!
Wow, this online dating thing is so pathetic. Yet I continue. I wonder why?

I think I know your problem. And deep down, I think you do, too. Just replace "this online dating thing is" with "I am." You've got your answer.

If only it were true...

Hi, I build steel drums for the poor :)

This guy was obviously just using things I mentioned on my profile to be a sarcastic dick, but if it were really true, he'd probably be the man of my dreams.