i'm in a sad mood tonight

oh sam cooke? I remember when i was little my grandfather used to play the vinyls, "A Change Is Gonna Come" was my favorite. He would always sit in his chair and read the paper with a glass of whiskey and his soul vinyls. Then he'd tell me stories about growing up, going to war about the friends he'd kept nad the ones he lost, the secrets to keeping my a woman happy, and what it means to be a man. I also remember my fist sip of whiskey with him turned out to be his last...umm yea sam cooke, great stuff.

His grandfather's secret to keeping a woman happy? Talk about really sad stuff. Right off the bat.

more seltzer machines

Hola,

I find it funny how the whole small world thing kicks in sometimes, I just purchased a soda machine that basically carbonates water.

Jack

Though I appreciate the thoroughly scientific description of a seltzer machine, I don't think that you purchasing one and then clicking through countless profiles until you come across a girl who likes seltzer hardly constitutes as a situation in which you would use the phrase "small world."

Perhaps if you bought a seltzer machine from a thrift store that was covered in glitter and you were dismayed to find it was missing one button that was vital to its function and my profile woefully lamented the lack of seltzer in my life since my seltzer machine was stolen from me by a mob of crazy glitter creatures who left me clutching one button when they tore it violently from my panicked grip, THEN we would have a small world situation on our hands. But just owning a seltzer machine? Unfortunately for me, not so much.

Manners

Hey, I just looked at your pictures, and I think you are hot, I would like to make out sometime, please. I hope you don't have a warning about these types of messages in your profile. Anyways, you are hot, you're smile made my day. Thanks.Yours truly,
Jacob

Missed Instant Message

Pardon my IM'ing you out of the blue, but may I say that you are dead sexy. ;)

Sleazy content aside, I do have to admit that these are actually two of the most polite messages I've ever received on this website. How tragic is that?

*Crickets*

Missed Instant Message(s)

Jul 25

5:29pm

Up for grabbing some drinks this weekend?

5:38pm

I'll take that as a maybe.

The Big Cheese

May 25th
can't believe you keep that smile behind the scenes!
though as for waiting tables, it must get you great tips!

May 29th
hello dere, beautiful

Jul 3
i'm intrigued by the hyphen in your username
what's going on?

Jul 4
happy america day!

Jul 14
take 2?

Jul 21
so is there a way i can engage you in a stress free-conversation?
just to say hello?
because you might find that i'm not all that bad... ;)

Jul 25
i'm not gonna give up, gorgeous :)

Get real. If I wanted to date cheese, I would just open up my fridge. Well, it'd be soy cheese. It might not melt the right way or taste exactly right, but I'd probably have more fun on a date with it than I would with you.

C'mon boys. I'm not asking a lot...

Missed Instant Message(s)

heyy i'm john

u ever go to an exotic club on th east side...

i used to dance in college

Hm. Let me think. No, I don't think I went to any exotic clubs. I spent my time in college watching Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and The Newsies and having Harry Potter parties with my roommates. But, it's totally cool. Not my thing, but live and let live, right? I'm ignoring your instant messages, but in my heart I'm wishing you well, John. Peace.

Missed Instant Message(s)

the reason im asking is cuz

u remind me of this girl

who used to come thru alot

AW COME ON, MAN!!! WHY DO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS CRAP? IT'S TWO FREAKING WORDS!! A. LOT. A LOT. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW THAT BY NOW?!!

Yarrrr, may I tie you to the railroad tracks, guv'nor?

arrrrrhello how you today hope fine?i read your profile and i can see you possess all the qualities i needed in reletionship, ahahathat why i write you this message,i will realy like to know you more better you can write me your yahoomessager address inothere to know more about our self on live charting i will be waiting to ear from you soon tanks.

What a mysteriously romantic message! It's not even signed! For all I know, you could be a pirate, Snidely Whiplash, a Yahoo Messager representative, or a chimney sweep. Whoever you are, I think I'm in love with you. And yet, replying would ruin all the mystery and charm that I find so attractive. So thanks for this note, I'll keep it with me always and I'll never forget you. And the phrase "live charting" will probably crack me up forevermore. And so, Adieu.